Frightened.

Have you ever wake up and ask yourself,
"Your life could be gone in a second"?

This is just my place to let out
Please, I don't need anyone to listen, I just need to type

*

My friends always asked me
"Why are you posting all these unhappy statuses or tweets online?"
"You were happy when you are with us or outside"

It's simple
I am somewhat clinically depressed
I don't want to explain what it is, uncle Google is always here
Go find out yourself

Now, I have noticed myself having problems with positive thoughts since young
I often write positive quotes on everywhere: textbooks, tables, notes, cupboard, phone etc.
People think that maybe I am just someone who is super positive that I need to write all these down

No. I am reminding myself to be positive.

But let's talk about what my title meant before we dive into my personal problems

I've lost a few important people throughout my life
These incidents are very stressful at first, but after a while, there's nothing I can feel anymore.

It is because I try to not get too close to anybody,which is a sad thing to do
but it keeps me from having stressful breakdowns.

So, why now that I am talking about this since I have a way to deal with it?

Easy, I have close friends now
I have people who love me as a family member and treat me as one as well.
People who still insist on getting into my world when I am completely shut down.

Today, I received news that one of these wonderful humans is in the hospital
It frightens me so much.
Before this, one of my favorite relatives was also admitted to a hospital.

There's nothing you can do when they are laying on the hospital beds
You can visit, wish or buy gifts all you want, but there's really nothing helpful you can do for them
There's no way to take away their pain
And you see them moving slowly, each move making them shrieked painfully
I wished that was me, suffering all the pain
Perhaps to repay all the kindness and love I got from them
Perhaps I want to feel real pain, instead of being tortured by my mind

I don't want to lose any of them
I don't want to breakdown again
I don't want to wake up and find out that the person who loves you so much is now gone.
I am left all alone, over and over again.
I am frightened by the thought of being in a world without any of you
I want you to be by my side, forever.

How selfish of me

*

Again, I am just typing what I feel at the moment

All these may sound stupid and silly to you
but it is how I feel.
Before you tell me to move on, be happy or go outside,
let me tell you that clinical depression doesn't work that way.
It was not because of a breakup, an argument or social problems
It is just here with me, in my thoughts, in my mind,sitting with me while I type this.
I do feel that my pain is lifted whenever I'm around my favorite friends
but it is not always enough.
I am not hurting myself for the sake of others,but you have no idea how much I wanted to.

You probably felt this way once in a while
But everyday, I wake up to the thoughts of 'maybe I shouldn't wake up forever'

Do be kind to everyone you meet, because everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Exception, Acception

People always say
Everyone is good except me
Everyone has better life except me
Everyone has no problem except me
Everyone fits right in, except me

Why do we except ourselves from all things that are good
and associate ourselves with negative things instead?


*

Sometimes, I feel that I am an exception from everything good.
Sometimes, I feel that the sun doesn't shine on me a lot.
Sometimes, I feel that life is not fair at all.

Then, I realize how stupid is it to be worried over something that is not true
Why should I try to fit in when I could stand out?

People talk, a LOT.
This world is filled with sad, lost humans who just couldn't mind their own business.
Even 'close' friends gossip/back-stab about you, no matter how nice you are to them, they talk.
At the age of 20, I have seen more than enough of these crap.
I have grown tired of all the bullsh*t and leave these horrible humans who can't even fake appreciation.

Of course I have my time of worrying about my weakness, but it doesn't mean I need to stay in that phase forever.
Whenever I felt that I am an exception, I took some time off from my busy life and rest.

Think about how much I have journeyed, then pity myself for the bad things I have been through:
Perhaps a few bad friends
Sometimes a bad experience
Maybe a bad breakup
Or a pinch of bad luck at times

It's okay, I pity myself, I don't need your sympathy.

Then think about how many good things that I have in my life so far.
When you've been through the bad stuff, you'll know what the good stuff are.

I'm so glad that I have some I could call true friends instead of the old ones I don't enjoy being around with.
I'm so lucky to have someone who would give me hugs and calls when I tweeted something emotional.
I'm so glad to have someone who will be angry for me when I'm being bullied, even when I'm not angry at all.
I'm so damn happy to have friends who would drive all the way from PJ to my house just so we could hang out, sometimes just to check if I'm alright.
Yes, you guys, you know who you are.

As time goes by, I have accepted that I am flawed.
I am indeed an exception, everyone is, in fact.
When everyone is saying one, I want to try two.
When everyone is being unhappy, I want to be happy.
When everyone is busy chasing after acceptance, I give it to myself.

Because you know, the ultimate acceptance is accepting yourself as who you are.
Accept the fact that you may not be as strong as others in certain field
Accept the fact that you are sometimes better than the others
Accept the fact that you can improve, you are not the best.

You don't have to pretend that things are okay
Things fall apart sometimes, we can't control that, it's not our fault nor life being unfair
You don't have to think that you are worst compared to the others
Humans are meant to be different to add more colours, cultures, food and voices to this world
You have to know that only by learning, we can go further
If you're not constantly learning, you will never improve.

Only by then, you'll know your weaknesses, your strengths
and make adjustments, improve yourself
to become someone you would accept more than the 'you' now.

When the others talk about you, filter the message
Learn to understand the difference between a useful criticism and plain hatred
Then don't give them another chance of criticizing you in the same way.

Yes, maybe today I am a bad exception
It does not necessarily mean that I am still a bad exception tomorrow.

Maybe tomorrow, the day after, the next month or the next year
people will say:
Everyone is okay, except her, she is above average
Everyone is nice, except her, she is more than you could ask for
Everyone is busy asking for opinions, except her, people ask for her opinions
Everyone is lost in life, except her, she knows exactly what she wants

I want to be that person, who could still smile after a bad storm, a bad day or the worst year.

Perhaps life is not good today, or you have not perform well today
Accept it as it is, because we can't go back in time.

You can be the better exception tomorrow ;)

Emotional

So.....I've finally completed my unfinished task 2 years ago
Which is to join the Famine 30 hour camp with my friends

I was too busy to feel anything then, but I really want to be emotional now.

*

First, I'm very very sad about the recent MH17 incident.
I was checking the news in a coffee shop, hoping they have landed somewhere else

When I got home,it's confirmed. It was shot down.

Now, let's not talk about who shot down the plane.
298 humans, living, breathing humans were shot down along the plane.
Those were innocent people eager to go home, travel, to meet their families and loved ones.

Some of the victims are actually friends with my own friends.
I cried so hard, and felt so sorry for the victims just by watching the news.

I don't know about you, but I'm easily affected when someone is sad or in pain.

Just yesterday, I received news that my high school teacher passed away due to cancer.
I knew that she was diagnosed with cancer for a while now, but I've always thought that a strong woman like her can win the battle.
She did not.
I couldn't stop being sad.

Then, I thought about how lucky I am, but immediately sadden by the fact that people can leave at anytime.

These news make me wonder:
Am I only a temporary guest in your life?
Am I nothing but a mere props in your life?

...Will I be missed, if I'm gone?

*

You see, life is a delicate, beautiful and fragile wonder.
It takes without giving notice and may surprise you at times.

Knowing that it's limited
You want to live fully.
Study, meet your love,get a job,get a car,get a house,have a family & live happily ever after.

Then there's me.
I think the most inspiring thing you can do in life is that you make someone feel better.
It's a tiny thought, but hear me out.
To make your life a little brighter, to let you know I'm here
I will listen, I will share, I would give my heart & let you know:

"You know what? Life isn't that bad after all!"

If I've made you feel that way, I've accomplished my goal.
However....will you remember me?
When you found new friends, met your love interest, or got a new life...
and slowly blend into other circles and have no time for the past.

Will you remember me?

Will you remember someone, who will rush to your side when you need help
To listen to your untold stories & never judge
To share your happiness and sadness
To give you a sense of belonging

That someone who was with you in the dark, help you find the light, and get you out?

I really don't know.
I will always remember you though.

Because I know, for a short while,
I was your friend
I was your fan
I was your family
I was your only way out
I was the light.

But lights, they fade, they will be out of power and burn out if unattended.

Some day, if I burn out, will I be easily replaced?

I can only hope, you bring lights, into other people's hearts.
That's all I ask.

*

People often asked, you don't look like the type who will worry a lot and be sad, why this?

You know what, I've kept my distance so well that you can only see my smile, yet not the fear & tears.

I want my friends to be good, to live well, to never worried about me.

If you don't miss me, I don't blame you. I don't want to see sadness on your face.
I am just a tiny dust in this universe, trying to make a difference.

Again, my heartfelt condolences goes out to everyone who has someone on MH17 that they missed dearly.

Being me

*insert opening line*

*

June has been really good to me

I got a new iPhone from my godfather
I watched a live concert with my classmate
My baby doll gave me 8 healthy puppies

.......but I still manage to be depressed somehow
I know,I'm so stupid
That's the thing you have to experience when you're being me

Okay, I was feeling very out of my own life lately
Is it good to feel sorry and depressing at times?
Because I think I'm doing it almost everyday

I don't get very close,and I mean really,really close with a lot of people
even when they welcome me with open arms

I like climbing rocks, swimming, jogging, playing with my dogs etc,etc........Alone
or I just haven't found any friends who would love to do these things with me
Sometimes, I really wished there is someone or some friends who can share these with me
When my friends with a different interests talk, I can't join in any of the conversations
...more like, I don't feel like joining in.

That's an entirely different world, I don't even have the basic interest to see how does it look like.
So, when my friends talk, I'm awfully quiet, sometimes I will leave them there.
but they have never really noticed me
They don't even know that I'm gone.

I don't blame them. I choose not to step into their world.
I am not important to them.
That concludes my life.

I think everyone doesn't care about me or even think I'm there.
Maybe they do, maybe they are just too busy.

I have my own best friends (I don't live 20 years without making a few real friends lol)
Still, I wished there's someone nearby who could make a strong connection with me
because a lot of my close friends live far away from me or have their own life too.

To experience being ignored and unimportant again....No, thank you.
So, yea, I can be everything you want me to be, but you don't know me.
Or maybe because I don't share anything myself too.

What the heck, I don't belong.
I like to climb hills, jog, take photos, sleep and write.
Just be alone with your dogs, Carrot.
Oh...I talk to myself a lot too /__\

insert my inspiration of being a better person-Kevjumba
who has recently went to a high school he funded to live with the locals
Well,life isn't that hard when humans like you exist <3 comment-3--="">

and my obsession with YouTubers,particularly Kevin.
Okay, closing time.

Missing.

Something has been missing since that day.
We went on a journey to find it back, separately.

*

I like relationships.
I'm very in love with the idea of having someone who would understand you, hold you and love you.
Just the way you are.*insert Bruno Mars voice*

I have this weird mindset
If I like something in the beginning, I would love it til the end.
If I have never tried, I wouldn't try unless there's some super valid reasons.

I wonder if it's a bad thing to have
To never forget your first favorite drink, food and love.
To stay faithful and loyal to the things you love.

Because my heart is wrenching.

I miss being hold like I'm still 5 years old
I miss having my cheeks kiss when it's time to go
I miss giving you confidence when you said you're low
I miss getting calls from you when it's night time
I love your morning messages
I love your bad choice of words
I love everything, anything from you.

I miss when you are not missing out from my life.

*

You are not my puzzle piece, I know that.
Still, something is missing after you left.

I wished I could delete this mindset of mine.

So I can forget, move on and have a wider sight of this world.
Have a look around, forget that I have ever met you

...but then, I would never forget.
I don't want to forget.

I just have to stay strong
I will continue my journey,even if you are missing.

Even if I am alone.

Midnight thoughts.

When the night comes,my thoughts just couldn't stop.

*

It's 0000
It's raining

I'm still thinking.

I couldn't sleep
I couldn't eat
I couldn't do anything except for drowning myself in music.

I'm not sure what am I feeling, nor am I really feeling anything.
This is so confusing

I kept smiling, because that's all I can manage

I wonder if I am tearing inside, or screaming and crying

Yes, I'm a jolly person
I know no sadness and anger
That is me on the stage.
Throw your anger and sadness towards me all you want
I will take them all like a good parent would
I will listen to them like a good friend would

Then, you will see my smile, get my hug and telling you "It's going to be okay"
You thought, I'm so optimistic and carefree.

Well, I am positive and cannot be bothered with problems.
Who doesn't fall and make mistakes in life?
All you have to do is move on, walk, run, or crawl if you have to.
Yet, I am hiding under a tree, helping people up, and never really tried to move forward.

Every now and then, I lock myself up in my room,
Just sitting in the corner, doing nothing.
I cry whenever I remember something in my past.
I can be totally silent for more than 1 hour.
Thinking all of my past repeatedly
Asking myself " Why? " again and again.

I have a very low self-esteem
Even if I frequently joke about how good I look, how well I care as a friend
I still tell myself "I don't worth their time."

You will never know how different I can be.

I know how it is to be abandoned by good friends
I know how bad people will feel if you're being left out
So, I tried to include everyone in my activities

But I'm never really close with anyone mentally, except for a few best friends I have.
Still, I don't share anything deep with them
I couldn't take it if someone betrays me, I could never take the pain of being left out there alone...again.
During my down time, I ask and ask.

"All I want is to be friends with you, how could you?"
"Why do I have to share my feelings with you, if you are going to use it against me?"
" Why...? "

Then, being born with a bigger size as a girl (well, compared to a normal Malaysian girl)
Made me felt very insecure about my looks

"Boys just treat you as a boy"
"I look so awkward with all these pretty girls"
"Why do I have to be this big?"

" Why? "

If you are my new friends, this is very hard to believe
Maybe some of my old friends will find this hard to believe, too
Then again, I will never want to burden anyone with my suffering.

I like drowning in my own sad world sometimes, crying, quietly, not disturbing anyone.
For 1 hour, or longer if I'm really in the mood.
Then pull myself together as soon as someone needs me.

"I just want to treat you the way I want to be treated."
I kept whispering to myself
"You will never know how much your smiles,hugs and love worth to someone else."

If my smile brightens your day, please, smile at others.
If my silliness makes you laugh, then remember life isn't always so serious.
If my hug comforts you, hug someone you love, hold them tight and don't let go.
If my patience impresses you, try listening to someone's problem, everybody needs a listener sometimes.
If my words give you confidence, please don't harm people with words.
If my love is too much for you, take them away, spread them to others.

Don't be bothered with my sadness, I'm good like this.
I am good, being alone.

Oh...midnight can do a lot of things to me.

Maybe it's me

Writing frequently because I'm finally having time to think more
Then, I need a place to vent these feelings

*

Well, I've moved my studies to a new college this year

So I have to start making new friends and figure out 'who do I wanna be to these people'?
This occurred to so many people,especially teens, because we wanna 'fit in'

I stopped trying after the first few weeks because, that's what we all do normally
So maybe I've stopped talking to you
or your messages don't get my replies
Sometimes I am online but I never talk to you
Maybe I don't smile at you anymore

These, these acts and emotions I have
are not your problems

No, I do not find any of you bad or weird
You guys are very nice to me, always smile at me and greet me
and seriously, you guys are some beautiful people

it's because I'm a weird and emotional person
I do a lot of thinking when I can
I am very lost in my own world sometimes that I don't remember reality
I try to tolerate everything but I am tired and stressed out sometimes
I care a lot but I don't know if you need my thoughts, so I often back off

and sometimes, I feel that I don't have enough knowledge to continue our conversations
I would really love to entertain your feelings when you needed someone
Whether to listen or to hold you
to make you feel that someone in this world will care for you, at least there's a little me.
The only problem is that, I don't know how.

The old friends and best friends, I know them well, and could understand their situations easily
but I can't figure out who you are in a few months
Everyone's been through a lot, and I don't want to judge you with so little knowledge of your experiences
So, I remained silent.

Oh and you should know that:
I do not please you because I want something from you
I certainly don't mean anything bad if I don't talk to you
Sometimes, I lost control because of stress
and I am very sorry for that
but I am only human after all (and I bleed when I fall down, lol)

I just want to treat you the way I want to be treated
Still, I am not that big of a person to forgive and care for everyone.
Also, I am an atheist
I do not have anything against religions, and I think it's great to have something to believe in
For all my life,Christians, Buddhists, Hinduism and Muslims (and many others) are all very nice people
or maybe because I'm that lucky to meet these amazing people in my life
I have to admit that religions have helped people with miracles and through a lot of hardships
Sometimes they brought out the best qualities in humans.
Most of the believers I know have brought tremendous joy to me, they are passionate, friendly and wise
and I'm enjoying every moment with them, even if I have to make my way to churches and temples
Don't ever feel ashamed of your faith and if it helps you, just continue your love for them

I'd only feel sorry for people who aren't understanding enough to know that we are made to be different.

Anyway...
If you asked yourself 'is it my problem?' or 'am I that annoying?' when I'm not replying, or ignoring you
No, it's not you, maybe it's me.
I have emotions and opinions, so I might not agree with yours
I might think a lot because I don't want to offend you since we are not that close, yet.
Sometimes, I'm just drowning inside my own thoughts

If I've scared you or annoyed you, then yes, you may leave my life
That's just you not accepting my personalities.
but if someone has ignored you to the point where you question your importance
Take a break, and a deep breathe
Tell yourself 'maybe it's not me, it's you'

It's not you
It's me
Maybe it's me.

The relationship experience

I have a lot of difficulties experiencing the relationship between boys and girls

Especially those who are very close to me

*

I once believed that being in love is easy: 

You love someone, and that someone loves you back

If it ends, then we say goodbye.

Little did I know....

It was so hard

I am considered lucky since I will never fall for the popular guys

My type of guys.....are nerdy, in a cute way

I wonder why?

Maybe I was trying to be safe, so I will never worry about my guy going behind me.

Naturally, a mediocre-looking guy is my choice.

But no, I've known for a long time

While I enjoy looking at popular guys, I know deep down in my heart

I will never enjoy having a popular other half

The normal ones, or you would call the 'ok-ok' guy

are people who can give you more time to know them

If you ever took time to know them, they give you their time when you needed them

They will make you appreciate the happiness of being nothing more than you,yourself

I see more beauty in a helpful, ordinary guy than a guy who only has popularity.

*

My very first experience with relationship happened to be with one of these ordinary guys

Sadly, I've never taken any initiatives.

I've never approached him nor try to know him

Because at that time, I was only trying to make new friends

He did all the asking and talking

Strangely, between those awkward smiles and silly messages (or maybe it was the chocolates)

I fell, more than I should.

He was a wood block, luckily he still talks

We have never had that 'honeymoon phase' in a relationship

He never did anything very big for me, and don't even think about flowers

However

He woke up 4am in the morning just to fetch me to report for duty

He sang songs which were..badly written when I was feeling sad

He messaged me every morning to greet me before I went to school

He shows up after school with my favorite food (when I was so hungry)

In my eyes, these are romantic acts that weight more than diamonds and presents

Oh, he was not perfect at all

He had a very bad choice of words

He constantly felt that the academic results he had are useless compared to others

He thought about small things a lot, and I do mean A LOT.

Despite the flaws, he had exceptions to his rules-me :)

In my honest opinion, he made me a princess even when he was not a prince.

Sadly the time was not right for us, so we parted anyway

After some trials and errors with another relationship

I realize that all I need was the feeling of being a 'normal' couple

E.g. Holding hands, go shopping together and all those stuff

Nobody who wants a serious relationship will make their significant other half feel inferior

It was a very traumatic experience and finally, my best friend asked me to cut it all off.

I did, but I found myself in a state of mind where all guys are not going to be that good to me

Nobody will ever be

and I do not want to experience disappointments again and again

I am very honest with the fact that I have indeed locked these special feelings away

It reached a point where hugs are not comforting and I felt something died inside

Something died the day when I cannot ask for anything from my very,very special someone.

Perhaps my heart, perhaps the love and passion

I do not feel them at all

Maybe my heart was broken beyond repair

I do not consider myself sad

I have a lot to be happy about, like my dogs and the fact that I can play piano

My best friends and my books

I believe a lot of people are wounded in their experiences with relationships

Some carry the expectations to the next door, burdening the new partner

Some don't even know that their bruises are more painful than they thought

Some never even try to be true to themselves.

I am the one who stopped waiting for fairy tales

I am wounded and cannot feel a thing regarding relationships with love

But I still believe there will come a day where a silly smile matters more than my depressions

I await the day where the locksmith comes, and solves the puzzles of my very complicated locks.

I am patiently waiting for that smile to come through.

A reminder to the future me

For a few months,I've been traveling & running around a lot

Taiwan,Hong Kong,and this year...Macau

After traveling,or when I am traveling
I often asked myself
'What did I get by going to other people's home?'

To be able to see their culture? Taste their food?
What fulfillment is this? I asked myself

*

I like my life,I always tell myself that there is no time wasted,just wrong turns & lessons from life
I know how I should spend my life

After passing 31.12.2013, my birthday came

I have never expected very much because of my birth date being so early
Not many would have time nor memory

It's fine, because I do not want to be reminded that I am older now

Accidents happen, though

My old friends from high school called up for an small gathering
they promised to celebrate 3 birthdays together

But they didn't keep their promise,they let us had our birthday cake on that day
No matter how much I hate cakes,I could not say No to this one

It was coffee-flavored, bitter,but left my heart so warm & sweet

Then my best friend called,and said that she would date me,and she did
Even though it was not the best, the time she sacrificed was already the best gift to me
because she was in exam period :)

I cannot be more lucky to have a friend like her
I do not care who will you become or how much will you change in the future
I will always take you as my best friend,and sometimes sister,so we can get discount off items

I have done horrible things to her, I could not protect what she loves
Yet she is still my friend, understanding how difficult it was to me as well :(

*My dear sweet boy,please don't forget us if there's better life there
You knew we love you & tried to give you everything that our money can afford
However,I knew,secretly,you have always wanted more love,more time from us
Because we are the ones you trust,and if you see this as a betrayal
I will not blame you at all,because I see myself as one too
Even if you are not mine,you are always in my heart
You have left so many memories & paw prints in our hearts
With your annoying brother Winston,both of you always melt my heart on the worst days
No matter how many things you've destroyed,we will always welcome you here
I love you with my whole heart,along with Winston & Mika
We will always always love you,and miss you so much
Please miss us when you are there

*

Last but will never be the least
My big kid from previous Uni contacted me for a meet up with another friend
This surprised me so much

The last time we met was already many months ago
How time flies without us knowing

Too bad Andy couldn't make it

It was very fun,who knew that we are friends for 2 years now
I can still recalled the first time I met you in that quiet study hall

Memories with you will be hold dearly to my heart
I still hope some day we can do epic stuff together

I certainly did not expect you to post so many feelings in a photo

Even if without a cake,or fancy presents
You have done enough :D

People tend to think that 'more stuff is good'
I do not deny that,I like material things
but not one material can compare to a thoughtful heart

Great friends are very rare
and I am so glad that I have a few of them in my journey

But I will never ever wait in a crowd for 1 hour and 30+ minutes again,that was horrible!

*

now,to myself

My wish is simple: be more mature

After eating different food,walking in different streets
I thought I have lived my life well
I was dead wrong
As my friends called me and said 'I want to celebrate your birthday with you' (even though a few days late :P)
I knew,I already live well,and must continue to do so

So dear future me,

If I miss someone,call that person
Some day,this person will miss you,and appreciate that you've called

If I hurt someone,say sorry
No matter with intention or not,you will always hurt somebody
You might not be wrong,but saying sorry will make things better

If someone hurts me,be a bigger person
As I said,you will always hurt somebody,so somebody will hurt you some day
When that happens,remember that you once hurt someone
So forgive them as you would like to be forgave

Be humble,there is always someone better
Be grateful,there are so many suffering,yet you are still alive
Be happy,why do you want to waste a limited life being all depressed & sad?

Love and be loved
Your little smile & hugs may make someone's day
As so many people had make yours,it's only fair to do the same :)

Always be positive about life
Life is never too easy nor too difficult
There will be drizzle,there will be hurricane
There will be sunshine,there will be rainbow
Sometimes a good friend,sometimes your foe
Sometimes a teacher,sometimes your nightmare
Maybe it's tough,but you will grow
Maybe you're happy,so let love spread
If you are sad,turn your head back
Look how much you've traveled
and never regret
Life is a journey,not a honeymoon

Now go on