Maybe it's me

Writing frequently because I'm finally having time to think more
Then, I need a place to vent these feelings

*

Well, I've moved my studies to a new college this year

So I have to start making new friends and figure out 'who do I wanna be to these people'?
This occurred to so many people,especially teens, because we wanna 'fit in'

I stopped trying after the first few weeks because, that's what we all do normally
So maybe I've stopped talking to you
or your messages don't get my replies
Sometimes I am online but I never talk to you
Maybe I don't smile at you anymore

These, these acts and emotions I have
are not your problems

No, I do not find any of you bad or weird
You guys are very nice to me, always smile at me and greet me
and seriously, you guys are some beautiful people

it's because I'm a weird and emotional person
I do a lot of thinking when I can
I am very lost in my own world sometimes that I don't remember reality
I try to tolerate everything but I am tired and stressed out sometimes
I care a lot but I don't know if you need my thoughts, so I often back off

and sometimes, I feel that I don't have enough knowledge to continue our conversations
I would really love to entertain your feelings when you needed someone
Whether to listen or to hold you
to make you feel that someone in this world will care for you, at least there's a little me.
The only problem is that, I don't know how.

The old friends and best friends, I know them well, and could understand their situations easily
but I can't figure out who you are in a few months
Everyone's been through a lot, and I don't want to judge you with so little knowledge of your experiences
So, I remained silent.

Oh and you should know that:
I do not please you because I want something from you
I certainly don't mean anything bad if I don't talk to you
Sometimes, I lost control because of stress
and I am very sorry for that
but I am only human after all (and I bleed when I fall down, lol)

I just want to treat you the way I want to be treated
Still, I am not that big of a person to forgive and care for everyone.
Also, I am an atheist
I do not have anything against religions, and I think it's great to have something to believe in
For all my life,Christians, Buddhists, Hinduism and Muslims (and many others) are all very nice people
or maybe because I'm that lucky to meet these amazing people in my life
I have to admit that religions have helped people with miracles and through a lot of hardships
Sometimes they brought out the best qualities in humans.
Most of the believers I know have brought tremendous joy to me, they are passionate, friendly and wise
and I'm enjoying every moment with them, even if I have to make my way to churches and temples
Don't ever feel ashamed of your faith and if it helps you, just continue your love for them

I'd only feel sorry for people who aren't understanding enough to know that we are made to be different.

Anyway...
If you asked yourself 'is it my problem?' or 'am I that annoying?' when I'm not replying, or ignoring you
No, it's not you, maybe it's me.
I have emotions and opinions, so I might not agree with yours
I might think a lot because I don't want to offend you since we are not that close, yet.
Sometimes, I'm just drowning inside my own thoughts

If I've scared you or annoyed you, then yes, you may leave my life
That's just you not accepting my personalities.
but if someone has ignored you to the point where you question your importance
Take a break, and a deep breathe
Tell yourself 'maybe it's not me, it's you'

It's not you
It's me
Maybe it's me.

The relationship experience

I have a lot of difficulties experiencing the relationship between boys and girls

Especially those who are very close to me

*

I once believed that being in love is easy: 

You love someone, and that someone loves you back

If it ends, then we say goodbye.

Little did I know....

It was so hard

I am considered lucky since I will never fall for the popular guys

My type of guys.....are nerdy, in a cute way

I wonder why?

Maybe I was trying to be safe, so I will never worry about my guy going behind me.

Naturally, a mediocre-looking guy is my choice.

But no, I've known for a long time

While I enjoy looking at popular guys, I know deep down in my heart

I will never enjoy having a popular other half

The normal ones, or you would call the 'ok-ok' guy

are people who can give you more time to know them

If you ever took time to know them, they give you their time when you needed them

They will make you appreciate the happiness of being nothing more than you,yourself

I see more beauty in a helpful, ordinary guy than a guy who only has popularity.

*

My very first experience with relationship happened to be with one of these ordinary guys

Sadly, I've never taken any initiatives.

I've never approached him nor try to know him

Because at that time, I was only trying to make new friends

He did all the asking and talking

Strangely, between those awkward smiles and silly messages (or maybe it was the chocolates)

I fell, more than I should.

He was a wood block, luckily he still talks

We have never had that 'honeymoon phase' in a relationship

He never did anything very big for me, and don't even think about flowers

However

He woke up 4am in the morning just to fetch me to report for duty

He sang songs which were..badly written when I was feeling sad

He messaged me every morning to greet me before I went to school

He shows up after school with my favorite food (when I was so hungry)

In my eyes, these are romantic acts that weight more than diamonds and presents

Oh, he was not perfect at all

He had a very bad choice of words

He constantly felt that the academic results he had are useless compared to others

He thought about small things a lot, and I do mean A LOT.

Despite the flaws, he had exceptions to his rules-me :)

In my honest opinion, he made me a princess even when he was not a prince.

Sadly the time was not right for us, so we parted anyway

After some trials and errors with another relationship

I realize that all I need was the feeling of being a 'normal' couple

E.g. Holding hands, go shopping together and all those stuff

Nobody who wants a serious relationship will make their significant other half feel inferior

It was a very traumatic experience and finally, my best friend asked me to cut it all off.

I did, but I found myself in a state of mind where all guys are not going to be that good to me

Nobody will ever be

and I do not want to experience disappointments again and again

I am very honest with the fact that I have indeed locked these special feelings away

It reached a point where hugs are not comforting and I felt something died inside

Something died the day when I cannot ask for anything from my very,very special someone.

Perhaps my heart, perhaps the love and passion

I do not feel them at all

Maybe my heart was broken beyond repair

I do not consider myself sad

I have a lot to be happy about, like my dogs and the fact that I can play piano

My best friends and my books

I believe a lot of people are wounded in their experiences with relationships

Some carry the expectations to the next door, burdening the new partner

Some don't even know that their bruises are more painful than they thought

Some never even try to be true to themselves.

I am the one who stopped waiting for fairy tales

I am wounded and cannot feel a thing regarding relationships with love

But I still believe there will come a day where a silly smile matters more than my depressions

I await the day where the locksmith comes, and solves the puzzles of my very complicated locks.

I am patiently waiting for that smile to come through.