Maybe it's me

Writing frequently because I'm finally having time to think more
Then, I need a place to vent these feelings

*

Well, I've moved my studies to a new college this year

So I have to start making new friends and figure out 'who do I wanna be to these people'?
This occurred to so many people,especially teens, because we wanna 'fit in'

I stopped trying after the first few weeks because, that's what we all do normally
So maybe I've stopped talking to you
or your messages don't get my replies
Sometimes I am online but I never talk to you
Maybe I don't smile at you anymore

These, these acts and emotions I have
are not your problems

No, I do not find any of you bad or weird
You guys are very nice to me, always smile at me and greet me
and seriously, you guys are some beautiful people

it's because I'm a weird and emotional person
I do a lot of thinking when I can
I am very lost in my own world sometimes that I don't remember reality
I try to tolerate everything but I am tired and stressed out sometimes
I care a lot but I don't know if you need my thoughts, so I often back off

and sometimes, I feel that I don't have enough knowledge to continue our conversations
I would really love to entertain your feelings when you needed someone
Whether to listen or to hold you
to make you feel that someone in this world will care for you, at least there's a little me.
The only problem is that, I don't know how.

The old friends and best friends, I know them well, and could understand their situations easily
but I can't figure out who you are in a few months
Everyone's been through a lot, and I don't want to judge you with so little knowledge of your experiences
So, I remained silent.

Oh and you should know that:
I do not please you because I want something from you
I certainly don't mean anything bad if I don't talk to you
Sometimes, I lost control because of stress
and I am very sorry for that
but I am only human after all (and I bleed when I fall down, lol)

I just want to treat you the way I want to be treated
Still, I am not that big of a person to forgive and care for everyone.
Also, I am an atheist
I do not have anything against religions, and I think it's great to have something to believe in
For all my life,Christians, Buddhists, Hinduism and Muslims (and many others) are all very nice people
or maybe because I'm that lucky to meet these amazing people in my life
I have to admit that religions have helped people with miracles and through a lot of hardships
Sometimes they brought out the best qualities in humans.
Most of the believers I know have brought tremendous joy to me, they are passionate, friendly and wise
and I'm enjoying every moment with them, even if I have to make my way to churches and temples
Don't ever feel ashamed of your faith and if it helps you, just continue your love for them

I'd only feel sorry for people who aren't understanding enough to know that we are made to be different.

Anyway...
If you asked yourself 'is it my problem?' or 'am I that annoying?' when I'm not replying, or ignoring you
No, it's not you, maybe it's me.
I have emotions and opinions, so I might not agree with yours
I might think a lot because I don't want to offend you since we are not that close, yet.
Sometimes, I'm just drowning inside my own thoughts

If I've scared you or annoyed you, then yes, you may leave my life
That's just you not accepting my personalities.
but if someone has ignored you to the point where you question your importance
Take a break, and a deep breathe
Tell yourself 'maybe it's not me, it's you'

It's not you
It's me
Maybe it's me.

The relationship experience

I have a lot of difficulties experiencing the relationship between boys and girls

Especially those who are very close to me

*

I once believed that being in love is easy: 

You love someone, and that someone loves you back

If it ends, then we say goodbye.

Little did I know....

It was so hard

I am considered lucky since I will never fall for the popular guys

My type of guys.....are nerdy, in a cute way

I wonder why?

Maybe I was trying to be safe, so I will never worry about my guy going behind me.

Naturally, a mediocre-looking guy is my choice.

But no, I've known for a long time

While I enjoy looking at popular guys, I know deep down in my heart

I will never enjoy having a popular other half

The normal ones, or you would call the 'ok-ok' guy

are people who can give you more time to know them

If you ever took time to know them, they give you their time when you needed them

They will make you appreciate the happiness of being nothing more than you,yourself

I see more beauty in a helpful, ordinary guy than a guy who only has popularity.

*

My very first experience with relationship happened to be with one of these ordinary guys

Sadly, I've never taken any initiatives.

I've never approached him nor try to know him

Because at that time, I was only trying to make new friends

He did all the asking and talking

Strangely, between those awkward smiles and silly messages (or maybe it was the chocolates)

I fell, more than I should.

He was a wood block, luckily he still talks

We have never had that 'honeymoon phase' in a relationship

He never did anything very big for me, and don't even think about flowers

However

He woke up 4am in the morning just to fetch me to report for duty

He sang songs which were..badly written when I was feeling sad

He messaged me every morning to greet me before I went to school

He shows up after school with my favorite food (when I was so hungry)

In my eyes, these are romantic acts that weight more than diamonds and presents

Oh, he was not perfect at all

He had a very bad choice of words

He constantly felt that the academic results he had are useless compared to others

He thought about small things a lot, and I do mean A LOT.

Despite the flaws, he had exceptions to his rules-me :)

In my honest opinion, he made me a princess even when he was not a prince.

Sadly the time was not right for us, so we parted anyway

After some trials and errors with another relationship

I realize that all I need was the feeling of being a 'normal' couple

E.g. Holding hands, go shopping together and all those stuff

Nobody who wants a serious relationship will make their significant other half feel inferior

It was a very traumatic experience and finally, my best friend asked me to cut it all off.

I did, but I found myself in a state of mind where all guys are not going to be that good to me

Nobody will ever be

and I do not want to experience disappointments again and again

I am very honest with the fact that I have indeed locked these special feelings away

It reached a point where hugs are not comforting and I felt something died inside

Something died the day when I cannot ask for anything from my very,very special someone.

Perhaps my heart, perhaps the love and passion

I do not feel them at all

Maybe my heart was broken beyond repair

I do not consider myself sad

I have a lot to be happy about, like my dogs and the fact that I can play piano

My best friends and my books

I believe a lot of people are wounded in their experiences with relationships

Some carry the expectations to the next door, burdening the new partner

Some don't even know that their bruises are more painful than they thought

Some never even try to be true to themselves.

I am the one who stopped waiting for fairy tales

I am wounded and cannot feel a thing regarding relationships with love

But I still believe there will come a day where a silly smile matters more than my depressions

I await the day where the locksmith comes, and solves the puzzles of my very complicated locks.

I am patiently waiting for that smile to come through.

A reminder to the future me

For a few months,I've been traveling & running around a lot

Taiwan,Hong Kong,and this year...Macau

After traveling,or when I am traveling
I often asked myself
'What did I get by going to other people's home?'

To be able to see their culture? Taste their food?
What fulfillment is this? I asked myself

*

I like my life,I always tell myself that there is no time wasted,just wrong turns & lessons from life
I know how I should spend my life

After passing 31.12.2013, my birthday came

I have never expected very much because of my birth date being so early
Not many would have time nor memory

It's fine, because I do not want to be reminded that I am older now

Accidents happen, though

My old friends from high school called up for an small gathering
they promised to celebrate 3 birthdays together

But they didn't keep their promise,they let us had our birthday cake on that day
No matter how much I hate cakes,I could not say No to this one

It was coffee-flavored, bitter,but left my heart so warm & sweet

Then my best friend called,and said that she would date me,and she did
Even though it was not the best, the time she sacrificed was already the best gift to me
because she was in exam period :)

I cannot be more lucky to have a friend like her
I do not care who will you become or how much will you change in the future
I will always take you as my best friend,and sometimes sister,so we can get discount off items

I have done horrible things to her, I could not protect what she loves
Yet she is still my friend, understanding how difficult it was to me as well :(

*My dear sweet boy,please don't forget us if there's better life there
You knew we love you & tried to give you everything that our money can afford
However,I knew,secretly,you have always wanted more love,more time from us
Because we are the ones you trust,and if you see this as a betrayal
I will not blame you at all,because I see myself as one too
Even if you are not mine,you are always in my heart
You have left so many memories & paw prints in our hearts
With your annoying brother Winston,both of you always melt my heart on the worst days
No matter how many things you've destroyed,we will always welcome you here
I love you with my whole heart,along with Winston & Mika
We will always always love you,and miss you so much
Please miss us when you are there

*

Last but will never be the least
My big kid from previous Uni contacted me for a meet up with another friend
This surprised me so much

The last time we met was already many months ago
How time flies without us knowing

Too bad Andy couldn't make it

It was very fun,who knew that we are friends for 2 years now
I can still recalled the first time I met you in that quiet study hall

Memories with you will be hold dearly to my heart
I still hope some day we can do epic stuff together

I certainly did not expect you to post so many feelings in a photo

Even if without a cake,or fancy presents
You have done enough :D

People tend to think that 'more stuff is good'
I do not deny that,I like material things
but not one material can compare to a thoughtful heart

Great friends are very rare
and I am so glad that I have a few of them in my journey

But I will never ever wait in a crowd for 1 hour and 30+ minutes again,that was horrible!

*

now,to myself

My wish is simple: be more mature

After eating different food,walking in different streets
I thought I have lived my life well
I was dead wrong
As my friends called me and said 'I want to celebrate your birthday with you' (even though a few days late :P)
I knew,I already live well,and must continue to do so

So dear future me,

If I miss someone,call that person
Some day,this person will miss you,and appreciate that you've called

If I hurt someone,say sorry
No matter with intention or not,you will always hurt somebody
You might not be wrong,but saying sorry will make things better

If someone hurts me,be a bigger person
As I said,you will always hurt somebody,so somebody will hurt you some day
When that happens,remember that you once hurt someone
So forgive them as you would like to be forgave

Be humble,there is always someone better
Be grateful,there are so many suffering,yet you are still alive
Be happy,why do you want to waste a limited life being all depressed & sad?

Love and be loved
Your little smile & hugs may make someone's day
As so many people had make yours,it's only fair to do the same :)

Always be positive about life
Life is never too easy nor too difficult
There will be drizzle,there will be hurricane
There will be sunshine,there will be rainbow
Sometimes a good friend,sometimes your foe
Sometimes a teacher,sometimes your nightmare
Maybe it's tough,but you will grow
Maybe you're happy,so let love spread
If you are sad,turn your head back
Look how much you've traveled
and never regret
Life is a journey,not a honeymoon

Now go on

The TVB fandom

I have not been watching any HongKong dramas for a while now
Most of the dramas were too plain & predictable,but nobody blames them,at least I don't

I stopped watching because:
1. I hate the drama-here-and-there & expired plot lines
2. I don't see much emotions,but I do see a lot of pimples & make up with my HD tv
3. The actors,particularly from TVB,are too boring

*

I was very much in love with On Call 36,it was fresh & educational
However,OC 36 II did not give me any fresh views
All I can get from this new drama is that everyone will have some terminal illness,or accidents
They either get cured or died,then with the tear-jerking speech & talk

oh god not this again

I am really disappointed & stopped watching after the 3rd episode,then jumped to the finale
I see no real emotions from the actors & actresses,except for little Onion when his new gf dies

Kenneth was the best from OC 36 I,however no improvements in this one
Onion is very good in this one though *sorry I kept forgetting his name*

I did watched all of the episodes eventually,still not amused
A so-so drama to me,but who can get more bright ideas with so many dramas out here already?
Not many directors can pulled off a sequel,especially when the first film/drama was already too successful

Extra note-after visiting Hong Kong last month, now I feel like every drama was a bit of a lie
Hong Kong people are not that nice,maybe a few,but dramas are acting anyway so idk

*

The drama that catches my eyes,was Bounty Lady-my盛lady
I was watching it for Dayo Wong, then fell in love with the drama

Dayo gives all of his best in this drama & Kate Tsui is not bad herself,despite being very new in comedy
I laughed & cried along the plot line

especially here,omg i cant even asdjkhf

Kate was very good with her eyes & love the small details with the expressions

While watching some episodes for the second time,I see why this drama caught my eyes
Dayo's expressions,voice & little actions with his hands were outstanding
I hear voice cracking when there should be voice cracking
I see tears rolling when a normal person would have tears rolling in their red eyes in such situations

you see any of this in other dramas?

Not much crazy crying scenes,not many 'Oh my God how could you do that?' kind of stupid plots
No smashing my stuff because that bitch got my guy (the closest thing I would smash is my pillow,when malaysia currency is so bad,we don't smash expensive things,because who knows when are you going to replace those things?)

The thing is, this drama is very 'down-to-earth'
Not many over-exaggerated plot lines,no I-am-a-super-nice-guy/girl
Maybe a few tweaks with the effects & some needed plot to prove their points
but I feel connected because this is how normal human life will be like

this,ahahahahaha

A little crazy things here & there,but not too dramatic
I will swallow my own feelings in real life in some situations
I will be very frustrated if nobody is there to love me
and yes, I would do most of the things in the drama for my best friends
This is how life is,I do not need a fairy tale drama to help me escape reality

It would be so perfect if the director stopped putting 陈敏之 in the spotlight almost 70% of the time

*

Dayo went on to win Best Male Lead in the recent TVB anniversary
Many people reacted in a very bad way

What the bloody hell is wrong with you people?

I did not see expressions in Kenneth Ma like Dayo would have had
Captain Cool did stand out,but not that much

I do not see teary eyes nor shivering breathe when there should be in many of those actors
No pause between lines when situations will be very hard to get through
Maybe they have amazing speech & lines,but no,they do not blend into the stories 100%

The candidates are all very strong actors,but yea,I will pick Dayo based on all these dramas
Maybe he is not as handsome as many of the other candidates,or maybe not a 'manly' guy

Who cares? He deserved it for his PERFORMANCE
Not looks & some touchy feely lines merely scripted for the audiences to gain more 'AWWW,poor guy/girl'

*

No offense to anyone rooting for others
But you would take it as offensive if you cannot study the words carefully anyway

I still love Captain Cool,but he is not the best KTHNXBYE

My dogs

Nobody reads blogs now
Social websites allow you to share everything

so it's been a long time since I last written a blog post

However,I like it like this,because now I can write without worrying what others think of me
*
As most of my friends know,I've started having pure breed dogs/pedigree dogs
I'm obsessed with Siberian huskies,Samoyeds & any wolf-like dogs
I have a mutt,which now belongs to my godparents as they need a guard dog

Life with the dogs is not as easy as I thought it would be

I need to walk all of them,feed them,cook for them
Most importantly,love them
but in the end of the day,their little details & habits always comfort me
Reminding me of why I have them in the first place

I will be honest,I secretly rated my dogs
Don't get me wrong,I love all of them very very much
but some of them leave prints in my heart more than the others did

Here is my most loved-Winston,my first siberian
A MKA(kennel club in malaysia) registered,well-bred pet siberian

I've been looking for a siberian for 2 years,none of the huskies 'click' with me
When I saw Winston,I fell in love

winston at his first few days

I knew instantly that "This is THE ONE", I want to have him beside me through my life
It was because of him I started stepping into the world of dog shows

For a whole year,Winston proved himself worthy of my choice
As a siberian,he learnt tricks quickly & easily-from sit to walking on hind legs
He is not picky,and follows me everywhere in the house
We climbed hills,had diet-jogging most evening,leaving foot prints at various restaurants

Sometimes,we share the night together (when he's bathed). Either watching tv or just reading novels
Winston will be beside me,curled up like a husky should,and resting his head on my knees

He shares my happiness,sadness,& taught me a lot of things that humans can't teach
He is my sweetheart,I could not imagine living a life without him around
He is my number 1 :)

Then there's Angel,the Samoyed

My first imported girl.
I'm always in love with white dogs,particularly pure white dogs,I think they are like angels
I chose to import because I don't trust malaysia breeders,and nobody was breeding registered Samoyeds in Malaysia.
Since dogs are supposed to be 'Angels on earth',and Samoyeds' nickname in Chinese is Smilling Angels
I named her Angel.

A name she well-deserved.
She has been an angel to others,she likes every dog,loves kids etc.
She would stop for a kid to pet her,hug her & works well with many aggressive dogs

Unlike Winston,Angel seems to understand things easily on her own
She would go to her crate when called,and follows on leash without much disagreements
Things I go through with Winston for at least 2 weeks,she gets them within a few days

She asks for companionship constantly,she would cuddle beside me when she is allowed outside her crate
Instead of playing crazily,she enjoys being petted more
She sleeps beside me,and wants my hand on her head,which made me love her even more

The different thing about her is that she would ask for my attention,and is not afraid to show me she is jealous
Winston,on the other hand,just secretly stay jealous & bullies his brothers for getting attention from me :P

Stay sweet my Angel ;)

The next dog was Force,who was imported for dog shows

Like Winston,I fell in love instantly with this fluffy monster,so did he :)
Force likes my hugs & rubbing his fur on my legs like a cat
If you ask for a kiss from Force,you will receive a face wash immediately

Force is a very photogenic model to me,his photos are always beautiful
Most importantly,he always makes me feel happy with his smile
Although he is very naughty & acts like a big baby all the time
I still fall for him,and I can't get angry with him

I guess that's why he is so attached to me to a point where: if he doesn't see me for 5 minutes,
he will cry for me when he sees me.

Stay silly & fluffy my big baby,I love you everyday ;)
-credits to WhiteSunday siberian for breeding such a lovely dog

There's a lot more but I have no time to write them all
Maybe next time :)