Midnight thoughts.

When the night comes,my thoughts just couldn't stop.

*

It's 0000
It's raining

I'm still thinking.

I couldn't sleep
I couldn't eat
I couldn't do anything except for drowning myself in music.

I'm not sure what am I feeling, nor am I really feeling anything.
This is so confusing

I kept smiling, because that's all I can manage

I wonder if I am tearing inside, or screaming and crying

Yes, I'm a jolly person
I know no sadness and anger
That is me on the stage.
Throw your anger and sadness towards me all you want
I will take them all like a good parent would
I will listen to them like a good friend would

Then, you will see my smile, get my hug and telling you "It's going to be okay"
You thought, I'm so optimistic and carefree.

Well, I am positive and cannot be bothered with problems.
Who doesn't fall and make mistakes in life?
All you have to do is move on, walk, run, or crawl if you have to.
Yet, I am hiding under a tree, helping people up, and never really tried to move forward.

Every now and then, I lock myself up in my room,
Just sitting in the corner, doing nothing.
I cry whenever I remember something in my past.
I can be totally silent for more than 1 hour.
Thinking all of my past repeatedly
Asking myself " Why? " again and again.

I have a very low self-esteem
Even if I frequently joke about how good I look, how well I care as a friend
I still tell myself "I don't worth their time."

You will never know how different I can be.

I know how it is to be abandoned by good friends
I know how bad people will feel if you're being left out
So, I tried to include everyone in my activities

But I'm never really close with anyone mentally, except for a few best friends I have.
Still, I don't share anything deep with them
I couldn't take it if someone betrays me, I could never take the pain of being left out there alone...again.
During my down time, I ask and ask.

"All I want is to be friends with you, how could you?"
"Why do I have to share my feelings with you, if you are going to use it against me?"
" Why...? "

Then, being born with a bigger size as a girl (well, compared to a normal Malaysian girl)
Made me felt very insecure about my looks

"Boys just treat you as a boy"
"I look so awkward with all these pretty girls"
"Why do I have to be this big?"

" Why? "

If you are my new friends, this is very hard to believe
Maybe some of my old friends will find this hard to believe, too
Then again, I will never want to burden anyone with my suffering.

I like drowning in my own sad world sometimes, crying, quietly, not disturbing anyone.
For 1 hour, or longer if I'm really in the mood.
Then pull myself together as soon as someone needs me.

"I just want to treat you the way I want to be treated."
I kept whispering to myself
"You will never know how much your smiles,hugs and love worth to someone else."

If my smile brightens your day, please, smile at others.
If my silliness makes you laugh, then remember life isn't always so serious.
If my hug comforts you, hug someone you love, hold them tight and don't let go.
If my patience impresses you, try listening to someone's problem, everybody needs a listener sometimes.
If my words give you confidence, please don't harm people with words.
If my love is too much for you, take them away, spread them to others.

Don't be bothered with my sadness, I'm good like this.
I am good, being alone.

Oh...midnight can do a lot of things to me.