Short.

Short thoughts

*

If you ever thought of
Locking me in a room
of darkness and loneliness
Give me my playlist
Swallow the key
I don't need it

Not anymore.

*

Flowers are so pretty
What am I
As a little weed
or some unnamed flower
Without colours that are so shiny
I have nothing to give
There's no butterflies for me

Not even a bee.

*

If my thoughts
could talk to me
Maybe they will not speak
I am too quiet
to entertain you
I am too serious to be silly
I don't need the comfort

Never did.

*

The bunny hops
The bunnies hop
All around me
How adorable they are
Yet I am still afraid of them
Because I am a carrot
Wishing I could trust them
But I can't stop wondering

When will they eat me?

*

Guessing is never my game
I'd rather stay in a bar
Enjoy some jazz music
Maybe laugh at some jokes
Dance with a gentleman
It will end somehow
Then I would be back home
Look at your words and smile
I didn't escape

I didn't want to.

*

Too random, sleepless and hyper.
Perhaps emotional, you don't need to read all these.
I am just throwing my thoughts out of my mind
So I can feel free, somehow.

Frightened.

Have you ever wake up and ask yourself,
"Your life could be gone in a second"?

This is just my place to let out
Please, I don't need anyone to listen, I just need to type

*

My friends always asked me
"Why are you posting all these unhappy statuses or tweets online?"
"You were happy when you are with us or outside"

It's simple
I am somewhat clinically depressed
I don't want to explain what it is, uncle Google is always here
Go find out yourself

Now, I have noticed myself having problems with positive thoughts since young
I often write positive quotes on everywhere: textbooks, tables, notes, cupboard, phone etc.
People think that maybe I am just someone who is super positive that I need to write all these down

No. I am reminding myself to be positive.

But let's talk about what my title meant before we dive into my personal problems

I've lost a few important people throughout my life
These incidents are very stressful at first, but after a while, there's nothing I can feel anymore.

It is because I try to not get too close to anybody,which is a sad thing to do
but it keeps me from having stressful breakdowns.

So, why now that I am talking about this since I have a way to deal with it?

Easy, I have close friends now
I have people who love me as a family member and treat me as one as well.
People who still insist on getting into my world when I am completely shut down.

Today, I received news that one of these wonderful humans is in the hospital
It frightens me so much.
Before this, one of my favorite relatives was also admitted to a hospital.

There's nothing you can do when they are laying on the hospital beds
You can visit, wish or buy gifts all you want, but there's really nothing helpful you can do for them
There's no way to take away their pain
And you see them moving slowly, each move making them shrieked painfully
I wished that was me, suffering all the pain
Perhaps to repay all the kindness and love I got from them
Perhaps I want to feel real pain, instead of being tortured by my mind

I don't want to lose any of them
I don't want to breakdown again
I don't want to wake up and find out that the person who loves you so much is now gone.
I am left all alone, over and over again.
I am frightened by the thought of being in a world without any of you
I want you to be by my side, forever.

How selfish of me

*

Again, I am just typing what I feel at the moment

All these may sound stupid and silly to you
but it is how I feel.
Before you tell me to move on, be happy or go outside,
let me tell you that clinical depression doesn't work that way.
It was not because of a breakup, an argument or social problems
It is just here with me, in my thoughts, in my mind,sitting with me while I type this.
I do feel that my pain is lifted whenever I'm around my favorite friends
but it is not always enough.
I am not hurting myself for the sake of others,but you have no idea how much I wanted to.

You probably felt this way once in a while
But everyday, I wake up to the thoughts of 'maybe I shouldn't wake up forever'

Do be kind to everyone you meet, because everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Exception, Acception

People always say
Everyone is good except me
Everyone has better life except me
Everyone has no problem except me
Everyone fits right in, except me

Why do we except ourselves from all things that are good
and associate ourselves with negative things instead?


*

Sometimes, I feel that I am an exception from everything good.
Sometimes, I feel that the sun doesn't shine on me a lot.
Sometimes, I feel that life is not fair at all.

Then, I realize how stupid is it to be worried over something that is not true
Why should I try to fit in when I could stand out?

People talk, a LOT.
This world is filled with sad, lost humans who just couldn't mind their own business.
Even 'close' friends gossip/back-stab about you, no matter how nice you are to them, they talk.
At the age of 20, I have seen more than enough of these crap.
I have grown tired of all the bullsh*t and leave these horrible humans who can't even fake appreciation.

Of course I have my time of worrying about my weakness, but it doesn't mean I need to stay in that phase forever.
Whenever I felt that I am an exception, I took some time off from my busy life and rest.

Think about how much I have journeyed, then pity myself for the bad things I have been through:
Perhaps a few bad friends
Sometimes a bad experience
Maybe a bad breakup
Or a pinch of bad luck at times

It's okay, I pity myself, I don't need your sympathy.

Then think about how many good things that I have in my life so far.
When you've been through the bad stuff, you'll know what the good stuff are.

I'm so glad that I have some I could call true friends instead of the old ones I don't enjoy being around with.
I'm so lucky to have someone who would give me hugs and calls when I tweeted something emotional.
I'm so glad to have someone who will be angry for me when I'm being bullied, even when I'm not angry at all.
I'm so damn happy to have friends who would drive all the way from PJ to my house just so we could hang out, sometimes just to check if I'm alright.
Yes, you guys, you know who you are.

As time goes by, I have accepted that I am flawed.
I am indeed an exception, everyone is, in fact.
When everyone is saying one, I want to try two.
When everyone is being unhappy, I want to be happy.
When everyone is busy chasing after acceptance, I give it to myself.

Because you know, the ultimate acceptance is accepting yourself as who you are.
Accept the fact that you may not be as strong as others in certain field
Accept the fact that you are sometimes better than the others
Accept the fact that you can improve, you are not the best.

You don't have to pretend that things are okay
Things fall apart sometimes, we can't control that, it's not our fault nor life being unfair
You don't have to think that you are worst compared to the others
Humans are meant to be different to add more colours, cultures, food and voices to this world
You have to know that only by learning, we can go further
If you're not constantly learning, you will never improve.

Only by then, you'll know your weaknesses, your strengths
and make adjustments, improve yourself
to become someone you would accept more than the 'you' now.

When the others talk about you, filter the message
Learn to understand the difference between a useful criticism and plain hatred
Then don't give them another chance of criticizing you in the same way.

Yes, maybe today I am a bad exception
It does not necessarily mean that I am still a bad exception tomorrow.

Maybe tomorrow, the day after, the next month or the next year
people will say:
Everyone is okay, except her, she is above average
Everyone is nice, except her, she is more than you could ask for
Everyone is busy asking for opinions, except her, people ask for her opinions
Everyone is lost in life, except her, she knows exactly what she wants

I want to be that person, who could still smile after a bad storm, a bad day or the worst year.

Perhaps life is not good today, or you have not perform well today
Accept it as it is, because we can't go back in time.

You can be the better exception tomorrow ;)

Emotional

So.....I've finally completed my unfinished task 2 years ago
Which is to join the Famine 30 hour camp with my friends

I was too busy to feel anything then, but I really want to be emotional now.

*

First, I'm very very sad about the recent MH17 incident.
I was checking the news in a coffee shop, hoping they have landed somewhere else

When I got home,it's confirmed. It was shot down.

Now, let's not talk about who shot down the plane.
298 humans, living, breathing humans were shot down along the plane.
Those were innocent people eager to go home, travel, to meet their families and loved ones.

Some of the victims are actually friends with my own friends.
I cried so hard, and felt so sorry for the victims just by watching the news.

I don't know about you, but I'm easily affected when someone is sad or in pain.

Just yesterday, I received news that my high school teacher passed away due to cancer.
I knew that she was diagnosed with cancer for a while now, but I've always thought that a strong woman like her can win the battle.
She did not.
I couldn't stop being sad.

Then, I thought about how lucky I am, but immediately sadden by the fact that people can leave at anytime.

These news make me wonder:
Am I only a temporary guest in your life?
Am I nothing but a mere props in your life?

...Will I be missed, if I'm gone?

*

You see, life is a delicate, beautiful and fragile wonder.
It takes without giving notice and may surprise you at times.

Knowing that it's limited
You want to live fully.
Study, meet your love,get a job,get a car,get a house,have a family & live happily ever after.

Then there's me.
I think the most inspiring thing you can do in life is that you make someone feel better.
It's a tiny thought, but hear me out.
To make your life a little brighter, to let you know I'm here
I will listen, I will share, I would give my heart & let you know:

"You know what? Life isn't that bad after all!"

If I've made you feel that way, I've accomplished my goal.
However....will you remember me?
When you found new friends, met your love interest, or got a new life...
and slowly blend into other circles and have no time for the past.

Will you remember me?

Will you remember someone, who will rush to your side when you need help
To listen to your untold stories & never judge
To share your happiness and sadness
To give you a sense of belonging

That someone who was with you in the dark, help you find the light, and get you out?

I really don't know.
I will always remember you though.

Because I know, for a short while,
I was your friend
I was your fan
I was your family
I was your only way out
I was the light.

But lights, they fade, they will be out of power and burn out if unattended.

Some day, if I burn out, will I be easily replaced?

I can only hope, you bring lights, into other people's hearts.
That's all I ask.

*

People often asked, you don't look like the type who will worry a lot and be sad, why this?

You know what, I've kept my distance so well that you can only see my smile, yet not the fear & tears.

I want my friends to be good, to live well, to never worried about me.

If you don't miss me, I don't blame you. I don't want to see sadness on your face.
I am just a tiny dust in this universe, trying to make a difference.

Again, my heartfelt condolences goes out to everyone who has someone on MH17 that they missed dearly.

Being me

*insert opening line*

*

June has been really good to me

I got a new iPhone from my godfather
I watched a live concert with my classmate
My baby doll gave me 8 healthy puppies

.......but I still manage to be depressed somehow
I know,I'm so stupid
That's the thing you have to experience when you're being me

Okay, I was feeling very out of my own life lately
Is it good to feel sorry and depressing at times?
Because I think I'm doing it almost everyday

I don't get very close,and I mean really,really close with a lot of people
even when they welcome me with open arms

I like climbing rocks, swimming, jogging, playing with my dogs etc,etc........Alone
or I just haven't found any friends who would love to do these things with me
Sometimes, I really wished there is someone or some friends who can share these with me
When my friends with a different interests talk, I can't join in any of the conversations
...more like, I don't feel like joining in.

That's an entirely different world, I don't even have the basic interest to see how does it look like.
So, when my friends talk, I'm awfully quiet, sometimes I will leave them there.
but they have never really noticed me
They don't even know that I'm gone.

I don't blame them. I choose not to step into their world.
I am not important to them.
That concludes my life.

I think everyone doesn't care about me or even think I'm there.
Maybe they do, maybe they are just too busy.

I have my own best friends (I don't live 20 years without making a few real friends lol)
Still, I wished there's someone nearby who could make a strong connection with me
because a lot of my close friends live far away from me or have their own life too.

To experience being ignored and unimportant again....No, thank you.
So, yea, I can be everything you want me to be, but you don't know me.
Or maybe because I don't share anything myself too.

What the heck, I don't belong.
I like to climb hills, jog, take photos, sleep and write.
Just be alone with your dogs, Carrot.
Oh...I talk to myself a lot too /__\

insert my inspiration of being a better person-Kevjumba
who has recently went to a high school he funded to live with the locals
Well,life isn't that hard when humans like you exist <3 comment-3--="">

and my obsession with YouTubers,particularly Kevin.
Okay, closing time.