还有什么？

吊儿郎当
有天分不努力
不爱吃东西
喜欢人也不说出口的时代

*

如果时间倒流9年，我只是刚选主修科系的屁孩

为什么是9年？

可能那年经历的事情难以忘怀

回想起来，会萌生“好想回去，做出不同选择”的自己

让我由衷地厌恶

但在我不断细数过去的错误时，才发现我并没有错

只是现在的我，比以前更胆小了

-

爱着那个

讨厌学长学姐就不屈服的自己

放下成绩高低的自己

不把社会刻板印象放眼里的自己

即使被人说再多也不会改变想法

善于倾听别人烦恼

沉迷哈利波特

那个

不怕生
爱摄影
爱画画
敢爱敢恨
直话直说
相信梦想

的自己

我爱着你，真希望我依然是你

*

屈指一数，以前说不放弃的事情和人

你保留了多少？

愿过去的挚友安好，仍对我有成见的人见鬼
感恩自己
即使灵魂面目全非，也没傻到认为岁数增长就是长大的现象

嗯，喜欢我就让我知道吧；想讨厌就花你的时间讨厌吧。

讨厌我的人啊
人生很短暂，没时间陪你喧哗
或许你很惊讶，但我并不难过

你只是在我的世界里死去一样

我不给予感情，更不会拜祭你

只愿你一路走好。

声音

好多夜里

睡不着, 累的慌

伴随心跳, 呼吸困难

*

若声音能让人安心

那人们应该不想听

我的喘息

吸进, 呼出

声音清晰

什么无声的事物

把我压得如此难过

吸进, 呼出

痛彻心扉

漫长的夜里

是否有人听见

我扭曲的呼吸

只是求救的声音?

*

也许让人太懂事
是把人推向悬崖的

几双手。

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday

Once my prince

Then first kiss

My pretty,happy dream

Happy Birthday

Took my heart

Left me shattered

Build me up

Brought me down

Happy birthday

My gentle guide

The English noob

Crazy game guy

Happy Birthday

The defining colour

My real strength

My first love

Happy Belated Birthday

My dear past =]

Numb

When all hell break lose
All I can feel was
Nothing at all
Maybe I am heartless
or because
I was a dead soul

Long long ago.

*

Tragedy strikes,everywhere,anytime
Sometimes small,sometimes big
I wished for it to never be too horrible
because it could be unbearable

Nothing moves me
Nothing shakes me
for a good 16 years

Then you came in to my little world
Taught me how to love
Took me out for food
Tell me all the words
I want to hear
As long as you are here

Loved me like
I was the only one left on earth

Loved me like
You were having the last day of your life

Full of wonder,full of joy

Then it disappeared
You were gone one day

How do I react
I will never understand
What to do
When your whole world is gone?

I felt lost
like a fish having its ocean drained
like a piano losing all the black keys
like the day without the night

...like an empty shell without a soul but hollow echo of the memories you left

There are worst tragedies
Reasons to live better
People who worth all the wait

but this tragedy was silent
There was no reasons
and no more others
who could ever tell me what is love
the way you did,for the first time

What can be worst than having your heart broken
by the same person who taught you
That you have a heart?

*

I guess we were not the only ones left on earth

Certainly.

Have you heard of giving?

They told me giving is great
Giving is good

It will never hurt you.

Oh, but how wrong they were.

It hurts, like a cut to a fresh wound.

I don't have money
I don't have fame

I gave attention
and my limited time

It's all I have.

I've talked to you
I've laughed with you
I've spent time being idiots with you.

Sometimes you're busy
Sometimes you're sad
Then sometimes you're just, not you

We all have those days
So I've never really took offense

Then you just disappeared.

I tried again
"There must be something wrong"
I thought,
"You will never treat me like this"
I reassured myself.

Oh but I was wrong.

I've always thought of all your feelings
with every step I take

Will you be hurt?
Are you not ready?
Will you consider?
Do you like this?
Will you like this song?

Are you okay?

I noticed every time
When you wished to escape the crowd
When you didn't like the plan
When you couldn't say no

When you are sad.
Even thou you have never really showed it.

It seems that I am not worth those thoughts.

I am not tired of giving
but how much you see that I am giving

I didn't stop, I am not afraid
It felt as if I've had a paper cut

Something so harmless and pure
yet it can leave me bleeding in pain.

Oh I can never stop

because at the end of the day
If you ever ask me for some time
I know my answer will be

"Certainly"

Short.

Short thoughts

*

If you ever thought of
Locking me in a room
of darkness and loneliness
Give me my playlist
Swallow the key
I don't need it

Not anymore.

*

Flowers are so pretty
What am I
As a little weed
or some unnamed flower
Without colours that are so shiny
I have nothing to give
There's no butterflies for me

Not even a bee.

*

If my thoughts
could talk to me
Maybe they will not speak
I am too quiet
to entertain you
I am too serious to be silly
I don't need the comfort

Never did.

*

The bunny hops
The bunnies hop
All around me
How adorable they are
Yet I am still afraid of them
Because I am a carrot
Wishing I could trust them
But I can't stop wondering

When will they eat me?

*

Guessing is never my game
I'd rather stay in a bar
Enjoy some jazz music
Maybe laugh at some jokes
Dance with a gentleman
It will end somehow
Then I would be back home
Look at your words and smile
I didn't escape

I didn't want to.

*

Too random, sleepless and hyper.
Perhaps emotional, you don't need to read all these.
I am just throwing my thoughts out of my mind
So I can feel free, somehow.

Frightened.

Have you ever wake up and ask yourself,
"Your life could be gone in a second"?

This is just my place to let out
Please, I don't need anyone to listen, I just need to type

*

My friends always asked me
"Why are you posting all these unhappy statuses or tweets online?"
"You were happy when you are with us or outside"

It's simple
I am somewhat clinically depressed
I don't want to explain what it is, uncle Google is always here
Go find out yourself

Now, I have noticed myself having problems with positive thoughts since young
I often write positive quotes on everywhere: textbooks, tables, notes, cupboard, phone etc.
People think that maybe I am just someone who is super positive that I need to write all these down

No. I am reminding myself to be positive.

But let's talk about what my title meant before we dive into my personal problems

I've lost a few important people throughout my life
These incidents are very stressful at first, but after a while, there's nothing I can feel anymore.

It is because I try to not get too close to anybody,which is a sad thing to do
but it keeps me from having stressful breakdowns.

So, why now that I am talking about this since I have a way to deal with it?

Easy, I have close friends now
I have people who love me as a family member and treat me as one as well.
People who still insist on getting into my world when I am completely shut down.

Today, I received news that one of these wonderful humans is in the hospital
It frightens me so much.
Before this, one of my favorite relatives was also admitted to a hospital.

There's nothing you can do when they are laying on the hospital beds
You can visit, wish or buy gifts all you want, but there's really nothing helpful you can do for them
There's no way to take away their pain
And you see them moving slowly, each move making them shrieked painfully
I wished that was me, suffering all the pain
Perhaps to repay all the kindness and love I got from them
Perhaps I want to feel real pain, instead of being tortured by my mind

I don't want to lose any of them
I don't want to breakdown again
I don't want to wake up and find out that the person who loves you so much is now gone.
I am left all alone, over and over again.
I am frightened by the thought of being in a world without any of you
I want you to be by my side, forever.

How selfish of me

*

Again, I am just typing what I feel at the moment

All these may sound stupid and silly to you
but it is how I feel.
Before you tell me to move on, be happy or go outside,
let me tell you that clinical depression doesn't work that way.
It was not because of a breakup, an argument or social problems
It is just here with me, in my thoughts, in my mind,sitting with me while I type this.
I do feel that my pain is lifted whenever I'm around my favorite friends
but it is not always enough.
I am not hurting myself for the sake of others,but you have no idea how much I wanted to.

You probably felt this way once in a while
But everyday, I wake up to the thoughts of 'maybe I shouldn't wake up forever'

Do be kind to everyone you meet, because everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Exception, Acception

People always say
Everyone is good except me
Everyone has better life except me
Everyone has no problem except me
Everyone fits right in, except me

Why do we except ourselves from all things that are good
and associate ourselves with negative things instead?


*

Sometimes, I feel that I am an exception from everything good.
Sometimes, I feel that the sun doesn't shine on me a lot.
Sometimes, I feel that life is not fair at all.

Then, I realize how stupid is it to be worried over something that is not true
Why should I try to fit in when I could stand out?

People talk, a LOT.
This world is filled with sad, lost humans who just couldn't mind their own business.
Even 'close' friends gossip/back-stab about you, no matter how nice you are to them, they talk.
At the age of 20, I have seen more than enough of these crap.
I have grown tired of all the bullsh*t and leave these horrible humans who can't even fake appreciation.

Of course I have my time of worrying about my weakness, but it doesn't mean I need to stay in that phase forever.
Whenever I felt that I am an exception, I took some time off from my busy life and rest.

Think about how much I have journeyed, then pity myself for the bad things I have been through:
Perhaps a few bad friends
Sometimes a bad experience
Maybe a bad breakup
Or a pinch of bad luck at times

It's okay, I pity myself, I don't need your sympathy.

Then think about how many good things that I have in my life so far.
When you've been through the bad stuff, you'll know what the good stuff are.

I'm so glad that I have some I could call true friends instead of the old ones I don't enjoy being around with.
I'm so lucky to have someone who would give me hugs and calls when I tweeted something emotional.
I'm so glad to have someone who will be angry for me when I'm being bullied, even when I'm not angry at all.
I'm so damn happy to have friends who would drive all the way from PJ to my house just so we could hang out, sometimes just to check if I'm alright.
Yes, you guys, you know who you are.

As time goes by, I have accepted that I am flawed.
I am indeed an exception, everyone is, in fact.
When everyone is saying one, I want to try two.
When everyone is being unhappy, I want to be happy.
When everyone is busy chasing after acceptance, I give it to myself.

Because you know, the ultimate acceptance is accepting yourself as who you are.
Accept the fact that you may not be as strong as others in certain field
Accept the fact that you are sometimes better than the others
Accept the fact that you can improve, you are not the best.

You don't have to pretend that things are okay
Things fall apart sometimes, we can't control that, it's not our fault nor life being unfair
You don't have to think that you are worst compared to the others
Humans are meant to be different to add more colours, cultures, food and voices to this world
You have to know that only by learning, we can go further
If you're not constantly learning, you will never improve.

Only by then, you'll know your weaknesses, your strengths
and make adjustments, improve yourself
to become someone you would accept more than the 'you' now.

When the others talk about you, filter the message
Learn to understand the difference between a useful criticism and plain hatred
Then don't give them another chance of criticizing you in the same way.

Yes, maybe today I am a bad exception
It does not necessarily mean that I am still a bad exception tomorrow.

Maybe tomorrow, the day after, the next month or the next year
people will say:
Everyone is okay, except her, she is above average
Everyone is nice, except her, she is more than you could ask for
Everyone is busy asking for opinions, except her, people ask for her opinions
Everyone is lost in life, except her, she knows exactly what she wants

I want to be that person, who could still smile after a bad storm, a bad day or the worst year.

Perhaps life is not good today, or you have not perform well today
Accept it as it is, because we can't go back in time.

You can be the better exception tomorrow ;)

Emotional

So.....I've finally completed my unfinished task 2 years ago
Which is to join the Famine 30 hour camp with my friends

I was too busy to feel anything then, but I really want to be emotional now.

*

First, I'm very very sad about the recent MH17 incident.
I was checking the news in a coffee shop, hoping they have landed somewhere else

When I got home,it's confirmed. It was shot down.

Now, let's not talk about who shot down the plane.
298 humans, living, breathing humans were shot down along the plane.
Those were innocent people eager to go home, travel, to meet their families and loved ones.

Some of the victims are actually friends with my own friends.
I cried so hard, and felt so sorry for the victims just by watching the news.

I don't know about you, but I'm easily affected when someone is sad or in pain.

Just yesterday, I received news that my high school teacher passed away due to cancer.
I knew that she was diagnosed with cancer for a while now, but I've always thought that a strong woman like her can win the battle.
She did not.
I couldn't stop being sad.

Then, I thought about how lucky I am, but immediately sadden by the fact that people can leave at anytime.

These news make me wonder:
Am I only a temporary guest in your life?
Am I nothing but a mere props in your life?

...Will I be missed, if I'm gone?

*

You see, life is a delicate, beautiful and fragile wonder.
It takes without giving notice and may surprise you at times.

Knowing that it's limited
You want to live fully.
Study, meet your love,get a job,get a car,get a house,have a family & live happily ever after.

Then there's me.
I think the most inspiring thing you can do in life is that you make someone feel better.
It's a tiny thought, but hear me out.
To make your life a little brighter, to let you know I'm here
I will listen, I will share, I would give my heart & let you know:

"You know what? Life isn't that bad after all!"

If I've made you feel that way, I've accomplished my goal.
However....will you remember me?
When you found new friends, met your love interest, or got a new life...
and slowly blend into other circles and have no time for the past.

Will you remember me?

Will you remember someone, who will rush to your side when you need help
To listen to your untold stories & never judge
To share your happiness and sadness
To give you a sense of belonging

That someone who was with you in the dark, help you find the light, and get you out?

I really don't know.
I will always remember you though.

Because I know, for a short while,
I was your friend
I was your fan
I was your family
I was your only way out
I was the light.

But lights, they fade, they will be out of power and burn out if unattended.

Some day, if I burn out, will I be easily replaced?

I can only hope, you bring lights, into other people's hearts.
That's all I ask.

*

People often asked, you don't look like the type who will worry a lot and be sad, why this?

You know what, I've kept my distance so well that you can only see my smile, yet not the fear & tears.

I want my friends to be good, to live well, to never worried about me.

If you don't miss me, I don't blame you. I don't want to see sadness on your face.
I am just a tiny dust in this universe, trying to make a difference.

Again, my heartfelt condolences goes out to everyone who has someone on MH17 that they missed dearly.

Being me

*insert opening line*

*

June has been really good to me

I got a new iPhone from my godfather
I watched a live concert with my classmate
My baby doll gave me 8 healthy puppies

.......but I still manage to be depressed somehow
I know,I'm so stupid
That's the thing you have to experience when you're being me

Okay, I was feeling very out of my own life lately
Is it good to feel sorry and depressing at times?
Because I think I'm doing it almost everyday

I don't get very close,and I mean really,really close with a lot of people
even when they welcome me with open arms

I like climbing rocks, swimming, jogging, playing with my dogs etc,etc........Alone
or I just haven't found any friends who would love to do these things with me
Sometimes, I really wished there is someone or some friends who can share these with me
When my friends with a different interests talk, I can't join in any of the conversations
...more like, I don't feel like joining in.

That's an entirely different world, I don't even have the basic interest to see how does it look like.
So, when my friends talk, I'm awfully quiet, sometimes I will leave them there.
but they have never really noticed me
They don't even know that I'm gone.

I don't blame them. I choose not to step into their world.
I am not important to them.
That concludes my life.

I think everyone doesn't care about me or even think I'm there.
Maybe they do, maybe they are just too busy.

I have my own best friends (I don't live 20 years without making a few real friends lol)
Still, I wished there's someone nearby who could make a strong connection with me
because a lot of my close friends live far away from me or have their own life too.

To experience being ignored and unimportant again....No, thank you.
So, yea, I can be everything you want me to be, but you don't know me.
Or maybe because I don't share anything myself too.

What the heck, I don't belong.
I like to climb hills, jog, take photos, sleep and write.
Just be alone with your dogs, Carrot.
Oh...I talk to myself a lot too /__\

insert my inspiration of being a better person-Kevjumba
who has recently went to a high school he funded to live with the locals
Well,life isn't that hard when humans like you exist <3 comment-3--="">

and my obsession with YouTubers,particularly Kevin.
Okay, closing time.

Missing.

Something has been missing since that day.
We went on a journey to find it back, separately.

*

I like relationships.
I'm very in love with the idea of having someone who would understand you, hold you and love you.
Just the way you are.*insert Bruno Mars voice*

I have this weird mindset
If I like something in the beginning, I would love it til the end.
If I have never tried, I wouldn't try unless there's some super valid reasons.

I wonder if it's a bad thing to have
To never forget your first favorite drink, food and love.
To stay faithful and loyal to the things you love.

Because my heart is wrenching.

I miss being hold like I'm still 5 years old
I miss having my cheeks kiss when it's time to go
I miss giving you confidence when you said you're low
I miss getting calls from you when it's night time
I love your morning messages
I love your bad choice of words
I love everything, anything from you.

I miss when you are not missing out from my life.

*

You are not my puzzle piece, I know that.
Still, something is missing after you left.

I wished I could delete this mindset of mine.

So I can forget, move on and have a wider sight of this world.
Have a look around, forget that I have ever met you

...but then, I would never forget.
I don't want to forget.

I just have to stay strong
I will continue my journey,even if you are missing.

Even if I am alone.

Midnight thoughts.

When the night comes,my thoughts just couldn't stop.

*

It's 0000
It's raining

I'm still thinking.

I couldn't sleep
I couldn't eat
I couldn't do anything except for drowning myself in music.

I'm not sure what am I feeling, nor am I really feeling anything.
This is so confusing

I kept smiling, because that's all I can manage

I wonder if I am tearing inside, or screaming and crying

Yes, I'm a jolly person
I know no sadness and anger
That is me on the stage.
Throw your anger and sadness towards me all you want
I will take them all like a good parent would
I will listen to them like a good friend would

Then, you will see my smile, get my hug and telling you "It's going to be okay"
You thought, I'm so optimistic and carefree.

Well, I am positive and cannot be bothered with problems.
Who doesn't fall and make mistakes in life?
All you have to do is move on, walk, run, or crawl if you have to.
Yet, I am hiding under a tree, helping people up, and never really tried to move forward.

Every now and then, I lock myself up in my room,
Just sitting in the corner, doing nothing.
I cry whenever I remember something in my past.
I can be totally silent for more than 1 hour.
Thinking all of my past repeatedly
Asking myself " Why? " again and again.

I have a very low self-esteem
Even if I frequently joke about how good I look, how well I care as a friend
I still tell myself "I don't worth their time."

You will never know how different I can be.

I know how it is to be abandoned by good friends
I know how bad people will feel if you're being left out
So, I tried to include everyone in my activities

But I'm never really close with anyone mentally, except for a few best friends I have.
Still, I don't share anything deep with them
I couldn't take it if someone betrays me, I could never take the pain of being left out there alone...again.
During my down time, I ask and ask.

"All I want is to be friends with you, how could you?"
"Why do I have to share my feelings with you, if you are going to use it against me?"
" Why...? "

Then, being born with a bigger size as a girl (well, compared to a normal Malaysian girl)
Made me felt very insecure about my looks

"Boys just treat you as a boy"
"I look so awkward with all these pretty girls"
"Why do I have to be this big?"

" Why? "

If you are my new friends, this is very hard to believe
Maybe some of my old friends will find this hard to believe, too
Then again, I will never want to burden anyone with my suffering.

I like drowning in my own sad world sometimes, crying, quietly, not disturbing anyone.
For 1 hour, or longer if I'm really in the mood.
Then pull myself together as soon as someone needs me.

"I just want to treat you the way I want to be treated."
I kept whispering to myself
"You will never know how much your smiles,hugs and love worth to someone else."

If my smile brightens your day, please, smile at others.
If my silliness makes you laugh, then remember life isn't always so serious.
If my hug comforts you, hug someone you love, hold them tight and don't let go.
If my patience impresses you, try listening to someone's problem, everybody needs a listener sometimes.
If my words give you confidence, please don't harm people with words.
If my love is too much for you, take them away, spread them to others.

Don't be bothered with my sadness, I'm good like this.
I am good, being alone.

Oh...midnight can do a lot of things to me.

Maybe it's me

Writing frequently because I'm finally having time to think more
Then, I need a place to vent these feelings

*

Well, I've moved my studies to a new college this year

So I have to start making new friends and figure out 'who do I wanna be to these people'?
This occurred to so many people,especially teens, because we wanna 'fit in'

I stopped trying after the first few weeks because, that's what we all do normally
So maybe I've stopped talking to you
or your messages don't get my replies
Sometimes I am online but I never talk to you
Maybe I don't smile at you anymore

These, these acts and emotions I have
are not your problems

No, I do not find any of you bad or weird
You guys are very nice to me, always smile at me and greet me
and seriously, you guys are some beautiful people

it's because I'm a weird and emotional person
I do a lot of thinking when I can
I am very lost in my own world sometimes that I don't remember reality
I try to tolerate everything but I am tired and stressed out sometimes
I care a lot but I don't know if you need my thoughts, so I often back off

and sometimes, I feel that I don't have enough knowledge to continue our conversations
I would really love to entertain your feelings when you needed someone
Whether to listen or to hold you
to make you feel that someone in this world will care for you, at least there's a little me.
The only problem is that, I don't know how.

The old friends and best friends, I know them well, and could understand their situations easily
but I can't figure out who you are in a few months
Everyone's been through a lot, and I don't want to judge you with so little knowledge of your experiences
So, I remained silent.

Oh and you should know that:
I do not please you because I want something from you
I certainly don't mean anything bad if I don't talk to you
Sometimes, I lost control because of stress
and I am very sorry for that
but I am only human after all (and I bleed when I fall down, lol)

I just want to treat you the way I want to be treated
Still, I am not that big of a person to forgive and care for everyone.
Also, I am an atheist
I do not have anything against religions, and I think it's great to have something to believe in
For all my life,Christians, Buddhists, Hinduism and Muslims (and many others) are all very nice people
or maybe because I'm that lucky to meet these amazing people in my life
I have to admit that religions have helped people with miracles and through a lot of hardships
Sometimes they brought out the best qualities in humans.
Most of the believers I know have brought tremendous joy to me, they are passionate, friendly and wise
and I'm enjoying every moment with them, even if I have to make my way to churches and temples
Don't ever feel ashamed of your faith and if it helps you, just continue your love for them

I'd only feel sorry for people who aren't understanding enough to know that we are made to be different.

Anyway...
If you asked yourself 'is it my problem?' or 'am I that annoying?' when I'm not replying, or ignoring you
No, it's not you, maybe it's me.
I have emotions and opinions, so I might not agree with yours
I might think a lot because I don't want to offend you since we are not that close, yet.
Sometimes, I'm just drowning inside my own thoughts

If I've scared you or annoyed you, then yes, you may leave my life
That's just you not accepting my personalities.
but if someone has ignored you to the point where you question your importance
Take a break, and a deep breathe
Tell yourself 'maybe it's not me, it's you'

It's not you
It's me
Maybe it's me.

The relationship experience

I have a lot of difficulties experiencing the relationship between boys and girls

Especially those who are very close to me

*

I once believed that being in love is easy: 

You love someone, and that someone loves you back

If it ends, then we say goodbye.

Little did I know....

It was so hard

I am considered lucky since I will never fall for the popular guys

My type of guys.....are nerdy, in a cute way

I wonder why?

Maybe I was trying to be safe, so I will never worry about my guy going behind me.

Naturally, a mediocre-looking guy is my choice.

But no, I've known for a long time

While I enjoy looking at popular guys, I know deep down in my heart

I will never enjoy having a popular other half

The normal ones, or you would call the 'ok-ok' guy

are people who can give you more time to know them

If you ever took time to know them, they give you their time when you needed them

They will make you appreciate the happiness of being nothing more than you,yourself

I see more beauty in a helpful, ordinary guy than a guy who only has popularity.

*

My very first experience with relationship happened to be with one of these ordinary guys

Sadly, I've never taken any initiatives.

I've never approached him nor try to know him

Because at that time, I was only trying to make new friends

He did all the asking and talking

Strangely, between those awkward smiles and silly messages (or maybe it was the chocolates)

I fell, more than I should.

He was a wood block, luckily he still talks

We have never had that 'honeymoon phase' in a relationship

He never did anything very big for me, and don't even think about flowers

However

He woke up 4am in the morning just to fetch me to report for duty

He sang songs which were..badly written when I was feeling sad

He messaged me every morning to greet me before I went to school

He shows up after school with my favorite food (when I was so hungry)

In my eyes, these are romantic acts that weight more than diamonds and presents

Oh, he was not perfect at all

He had a very bad choice of words

He constantly felt that the academic results he had are useless compared to others

He thought about small things a lot, and I do mean A LOT.

Despite the flaws, he had exceptions to his rules-me :)

In my honest opinion, he made me a princess even when he was not a prince.

Sadly the time was not right for us, so we parted anyway

After some trials and errors with another relationship

I realize that all I need was the feeling of being a 'normal' couple

E.g. Holding hands, go shopping together and all those stuff

Nobody who wants a serious relationship will make their significant other half feel inferior

It was a very traumatic experience and finally, my best friend asked me to cut it all off.

I did, but I found myself in a state of mind where all guys are not going to be that good to me

Nobody will ever be

and I do not want to experience disappointments again and again

I am very honest with the fact that I have indeed locked these special feelings away

It reached a point where hugs are not comforting and I felt something died inside

Something died the day when I cannot ask for anything from my very,very special someone.

Perhaps my heart, perhaps the love and passion

I do not feel them at all

Maybe my heart was broken beyond repair

I do not consider myself sad

I have a lot to be happy about, like my dogs and the fact that I can play piano

My best friends and my books

I believe a lot of people are wounded in their experiences with relationships

Some carry the expectations to the next door, burdening the new partner

Some don't even know that their bruises are more painful than they thought

Some never even try to be true to themselves.

I am the one who stopped waiting for fairy tales

I am wounded and cannot feel a thing regarding relationships with love

But I still believe there will come a day where a silly smile matters more than my depressions

I await the day where the locksmith comes, and solves the puzzles of my very complicated locks.

I am patiently waiting for that smile to come through.

A reminder to the future me

For a few months,I've been traveling & running around a lot

Taiwan,Hong Kong,and this year...Macau

After traveling,or when I am traveling
I often asked myself
'What did I get by going to other people's home?'

To be able to see their culture? Taste their food?
What fulfillment is this? I asked myself

*

I like my life,I always tell myself that there is no time wasted,just wrong turns & lessons from life
I know how I should spend my life

After passing 31.12.2013, my birthday came

I have never expected very much because of my birth date being so early
Not many would have time nor memory

It's fine, because I do not want to be reminded that I am older now

Accidents happen, though

My old friends from high school called up for an small gathering
they promised to celebrate 3 birthdays together

But they didn't keep their promise,they let us had our birthday cake on that day
No matter how much I hate cakes,I could not say No to this one

It was coffee-flavored, bitter,but left my heart so warm & sweet

Then my best friend called,and said that she would date me,and she did
Even though it was not the best, the time she sacrificed was already the best gift to me
because she was in exam period :)

I cannot be more lucky to have a friend like her
I do not care who will you become or how much will you change in the future
I will always take you as my best friend,and sometimes sister,so we can get discount off items

I have done horrible things to her, I could not protect what she loves
Yet she is still my friend, understanding how difficult it was to me as well :(

*My dear sweet boy,please don't forget us if there's better life there
You knew we love you & tried to give you everything that our money can afford
However,I knew,secretly,you have always wanted more love,more time from us
Because we are the ones you trust,and if you see this as a betrayal
I will not blame you at all,because I see myself as one too
Even if you are not mine,you are always in my heart
You have left so many memories & paw prints in our hearts
With your annoying brother Winston,both of you always melt my heart on the worst days
No matter how many things you've destroyed,we will always welcome you here
I love you with my whole heart,along with Winston & Mika
We will always always love you,and miss you so much
Please miss us when you are there

*

Last but will never be the least
My big kid from previous Uni contacted me for a meet up with another friend
This surprised me so much

The last time we met was already many months ago
How time flies without us knowing

Too bad Andy couldn't make it

It was very fun,who knew that we are friends for 2 years now
I can still recalled the first time I met you in that quiet study hall

Memories with you will be hold dearly to my heart
I still hope some day we can do epic stuff together

I certainly did not expect you to post so many feelings in a photo

Even if without a cake,or fancy presents
You have done enough :D

People tend to think that 'more stuff is good'
I do not deny that,I like material things
but not one material can compare to a thoughtful heart

Great friends are very rare
and I am so glad that I have a few of them in my journey

But I will never ever wait in a crowd for 1 hour and 30+ minutes again,that was horrible!

*

now,to myself

My wish is simple: be more mature

After eating different food,walking in different streets
I thought I have lived my life well
I was dead wrong
As my friends called me and said 'I want to celebrate your birthday with you' (even though a few days late :P)
I knew,I already live well,and must continue to do so

So dear future me,

If I miss someone,call that person
Some day,this person will miss you,and appreciate that you've called

If I hurt someone,say sorry
No matter with intention or not,you will always hurt somebody
You might not be wrong,but saying sorry will make things better

If someone hurts me,be a bigger person
As I said,you will always hurt somebody,so somebody will hurt you some day
When that happens,remember that you once hurt someone
So forgive them as you would like to be forgave

Be humble,there is always someone better
Be grateful,there are so many suffering,yet you are still alive
Be happy,why do you want to waste a limited life being all depressed & sad?

Love and be loved
Your little smile & hugs may make someone's day
As so many people had make yours,it's only fair to do the same :)

Always be positive about life
Life is never too easy nor too difficult
There will be drizzle,there will be hurricane
There will be sunshine,there will be rainbow
Sometimes a good friend,sometimes your foe
Sometimes a teacher,sometimes your nightmare
Maybe it's tough,but you will grow
Maybe you're happy,so let love spread
If you are sad,turn your head back
Look how much you've traveled
and never regret
Life is a journey,not a honeymoon

Now go on

The TVB fandom

I have not been watching any HongKong dramas for a while now
Most of the dramas were too plain & predictable,but nobody blames them,at least I don't

I stopped watching because:
1. I hate the drama-here-and-there & expired plot lines
2. I don't see much emotions,but I do see a lot of pimples & make up with my HD tv
3. The actors,particularly from TVB,are too boring

*

I was very much in love with On Call 36,it was fresh & educational
However,OC 36 II did not give me any fresh views
All I can get from this new drama is that everyone will have some terminal illness,or accidents
They either get cured or died,then with the tear-jerking speech & talk

oh god not this again

I am really disappointed & stopped watching after the 3rd episode,then jumped to the finale
I see no real emotions from the actors & actresses,except for little Onion when his new gf dies

Kenneth was the best from OC 36 I,however no improvements in this one
Onion is very good in this one though *sorry I kept forgetting his name*

I did watched all of the episodes eventually,still not amused
A so-so drama to me,but who can get more bright ideas with so many dramas out here already?
Not many directors can pulled off a sequel,especially when the first film/drama was already too successful

Extra note-after visiting Hong Kong last month, now I feel like every drama was a bit of a lie
Hong Kong people are not that nice,maybe a few,but dramas are acting anyway so idk

*

The drama that catches my eyes,was Bounty Lady-my盛lady
I was watching it for Dayo Wong, then fell in love with the drama

Dayo gives all of his best in this drama & Kate Tsui is not bad herself,despite being very new in comedy
I laughed & cried along the plot line

especially here,omg i cant even asdjkhf

Kate was very good with her eyes & love the small details with the expressions

While watching some episodes for the second time,I see why this drama caught my eyes
Dayo's expressions,voice & little actions with his hands were outstanding
I hear voice cracking when there should be voice cracking
I see tears rolling when a normal person would have tears rolling in their red eyes in such situations

you see any of this in other dramas?

Not much crazy crying scenes,not many 'Oh my God how could you do that?' kind of stupid plots
No smashing my stuff because that bitch got my guy (the closest thing I would smash is my pillow,when malaysia currency is so bad,we don't smash expensive things,because who knows when are you going to replace those things?)

The thing is, this drama is very 'down-to-earth'
Not many over-exaggerated plot lines,no I-am-a-super-nice-guy/girl
Maybe a few tweaks with the effects & some needed plot to prove their points
but I feel connected because this is how normal human life will be like

this,ahahahahaha

A little crazy things here & there,but not too dramatic
I will swallow my own feelings in real life in some situations
I will be very frustrated if nobody is there to love me
and yes, I would do most of the things in the drama for my best friends
This is how life is,I do not need a fairy tale drama to help me escape reality

It would be so perfect if the director stopped putting 陈敏之 in the spotlight almost 70% of the time

*

Dayo went on to win Best Male Lead in the recent TVB anniversary
Many people reacted in a very bad way

What the bloody hell is wrong with you people?

I did not see expressions in Kenneth Ma like Dayo would have had
Captain Cool did stand out,but not that much

I do not see teary eyes nor shivering breathe when there should be in many of those actors
No pause between lines when situations will be very hard to get through
Maybe they have amazing speech & lines,but no,they do not blend into the stories 100%

The candidates are all very strong actors,but yea,I will pick Dayo based on all these dramas
Maybe he is not as handsome as many of the other candidates,or maybe not a 'manly' guy

Who cares? He deserved it for his PERFORMANCE
Not looks & some touchy feely lines merely scripted for the audiences to gain more 'AWWW,poor guy/girl'

*

No offense to anyone rooting for others
But you would take it as offensive if you cannot study the words carefully anyway

I still love Captain Cool,but he is not the best KTHNXBYE

My dogs

Nobody reads blogs now
Social websites allow you to share everything

so it's been a long time since I last written a blog post

However,I like it like this,because now I can write without worrying what others think of me
*
As most of my friends know,I've started having pure breed dogs/pedigree dogs
I'm obsessed with Siberian huskies,Samoyeds & any wolf-like dogs
I have a mutt,which now belongs to my godparents as they need a guard dog

Life with the dogs is not as easy as I thought it would be

I need to walk all of them,feed them,cook for them
Most importantly,love them
but in the end of the day,their little details & habits always comfort me
Reminding me of why I have them in the first place

I will be honest,I secretly rated my dogs
Don't get me wrong,I love all of them very very much
but some of them leave prints in my heart more than the others did

Here is my most loved-Winston,my first siberian
A MKA(kennel club in malaysia) registered,well-bred pet siberian

I've been looking for a siberian for 2 years,none of the huskies 'click' with me
When I saw Winston,I fell in love

winston at his first few days

I knew instantly that "This is THE ONE", I want to have him beside me through my life
It was because of him I started stepping into the world of dog shows

For a whole year,Winston proved himself worthy of my choice
As a siberian,he learnt tricks quickly & easily-from sit to walking on hind legs
He is not picky,and follows me everywhere in the house
We climbed hills,had diet-jogging most evening,leaving foot prints at various restaurants

Sometimes,we share the night together (when he's bathed). Either watching tv or just reading novels
Winston will be beside me,curled up like a husky should,and resting his head on my knees

He shares my happiness,sadness,& taught me a lot of things that humans can't teach
He is my sweetheart,I could not imagine living a life without him around
He is my number 1 :)

Then there's Angel,the Samoyed

My first imported girl.
I'm always in love with white dogs,particularly pure white dogs,I think they are like angels
I chose to import because I don't trust malaysia breeders,and nobody was breeding registered Samoyeds in Malaysia.
Since dogs are supposed to be 'Angels on earth',and Samoyeds' nickname in Chinese is Smilling Angels
I named her Angel.

A name she well-deserved.
She has been an angel to others,she likes every dog,loves kids etc.
She would stop for a kid to pet her,hug her & works well with many aggressive dogs

Unlike Winston,Angel seems to understand things easily on her own
She would go to her crate when called,and follows on leash without much disagreements
Things I go through with Winston for at least 2 weeks,she gets them within a few days

She asks for companionship constantly,she would cuddle beside me when she is allowed outside her crate
Instead of playing crazily,she enjoys being petted more
She sleeps beside me,and wants my hand on her head,which made me love her even more

The different thing about her is that she would ask for my attention,and is not afraid to show me she is jealous
Winston,on the other hand,just secretly stay jealous & bullies his brothers for getting attention from me :P

Stay sweet my Angel ;)

The next dog was Force,who was imported for dog shows

Like Winston,I fell in love instantly with this fluffy monster,so did he :)
Force likes my hugs & rubbing his fur on my legs like a cat
If you ask for a kiss from Force,you will receive a face wash immediately

Force is a very photogenic model to me,his photos are always beautiful
Most importantly,he always makes me feel happy with his smile
Although he is very naughty & acts like a big baby all the time
I still fall for him,and I can't get angry with him

I guess that's why he is so attached to me to a point where: if he doesn't see me for 5 minutes,
he will cry for me when he sees me.

Stay silly & fluffy my big baby,I love you everyday ;)
-credits to WhiteSunday siberian for breeding such a lovely dog

There's a lot more but I have no time to write them all
Maybe next time :)

That one moment

One moment,

enough to feel everything

enough to realize everything

*

Ever had those moments where you suddenly realized something?

That you're loved,you were wrong,you were...I don't know,not who you are?

I have few of those moments

Bear with me,this is a long post

I enjoy reading novels,usually Harry Potter during my free time

That one day,I woke up and stared at my notes on the wall

Notes with everything I've experienced

I stared for at least 1 hour

I just couldn't do anything on that day

I need a break

I know,at that moment,I was tired

I have been trying to please people who doesn't know how to appreciate me for the past few months

and I'm exhausted

The second time this happened was few weeks ago

My key-ring went missing

I kept it by my side for 2+ years

It was impossible for me to misplace it

But it went missing

I should've known

it was time to let go

Probably someone pick it up

...or it just don't wanna be found

The last time this happened was on 7th of October this year

The time I just decided to stay isolated

But after overhearing what I'm not supposed to hear

I know I was never alone

There are always ways and chances for someone to be loved

  or to love someone

no matter if they deserve your love,take the chances

Either learn a lesson or gain a bonus in life

Staying still is safe,but it doesn't get you anywhere further

*

People don't change for no reason

1st

Sometimes I don't like to please people just for the sake of being in the circle

In fact,I feel uneasy around people I can't cope with

Some people talks a lot behind others,but they're still friends with the people they hate

I don't question that

but I don't kiss people's asses and take shit from them

Just because I can't be lonely

I didn't change,I just stop pleasing people I dislike

2nd

I used to carry this small little key-ring with me

It was broken at its first year

But I love it so much that I still put it in my pockets,purse or bag

I felt so safe when I brought it along

Like it was a part of me and will always be

I always thought I would never misplace it

but it happened.

Things change in life,they come and go for their own reasons

They may come back or not at all

you either wait for it or just move on with your life

In my case,I just have to let go of it

Maybe this way I will be happier

Maybe he is happier now too.

3rd

I like the phrase 'one in a million'

You see,some people think materialize things can be replaced easily

Some people think you can just get new friends whenever you lost your old ones

Not really

I met my best friend,got my own photo frame,video

They are all the one in a million things to me

Different people,places and things have different meanings to people

Everyone have their own unique taste or feelings towards someone or something

I've always thought my chances of meeting someone who's one in a million is already gone

I lost someone who took me for who I really am years ago

I regretted and never met that kind of person again

But then things changed

I am so glad that I have the chance of meeting 2 of these people in the crowd

Life's constantly changing,don't try to feel secure with not changing at all

After all,you only live once *YOLO! lol*

至:我的那些年

虽然很落后了,但我终于看了'那些年,我们一起追的女孩'这部电影

也因为这部电影,让我想把已经生锈的华语拿出来献丑

*
我不知道你是我的柯景腾还是沈佳宜
我只能说你是我的那些年

2年
说多不多,说少不少

这2年不管面对着什么问题时,总会觉得"你在身边的话,有多好"

但我相信你不想听到我这么说,所以你给我的一字一句我都牢牢地记在心里

成长是永远的路途
有些人,到了死胡同就不会再转出来,干脆在那里住下来
有些人,怎么转也转错路,错过很多美好的事物

而我,不断地徘徊在那个分叉路口

走不下去,也选择不了

一直到今年年中
遇到了一个让我明白我到底要什么的人

虽然到最后我们不得不为了一些难理解的原因分道扬镳

朋友问我: "他有怎样吗? 你又怎样了? "
我能答的只有: "我不知道他怎么了,但我过得很好。"

朋友们不相信我没事,也难怪的

这我才明白当时你的感受
或许在这时经历所谓的低潮期

会特别花时间去想了很多很多的东西

才知道,我真的有好好的珍惜过他
而当你知道没结果的时候,就该放手
把伤害减到最低

也不愿意为了一时的不甘心,勉强地把两个人的未来绑在一起

而且
被你喜欢过,让我觉得其他人都没那么喜欢我 *摘自九把刀*

当个成熟的人很不容易
所以我很佩服你能包容以前那个幼稚的我

你说你今年毕业
我也不能肯定自己会不会去祝福你

但我想在这里先好好地告诉你:

" 人生的路真的很长很远,谢谢你曾出现在路途中给我带了一段路。也谢谢你的旅程中
有过我的存在。就算再也不能听说你的故事,我希望你以后有什么困难都能走过去,面对
什么挫折也能站起来。

虽然陪在你身边的不会是我,但你的好总会被发现,在你遇到那个人的时候就请记得
我给你的祝福。愿你能永远幸福。"

*
我也不再一个人面对选择和挫折

即使这个世界怎么变,始终有些人不会变
也总有人会疼惜自己

曾几何时,我从放不下你的班级毕业了
即使不能回到过去,也拥有能翻阅的回忆

谢谢你让我明白幸福是什么

谢谢你,我的那些年
我们是永远的朋友

it's enough

Forgive me if you think whoever I wrote here is you

I had enough

Enough of you go around talking like it's my fault

I didn't mean that I'm angry
I just had enough

If you think I ruined your life so much
Then stop mentioning me in your life

Regret? Disgusting? Can't even imagine?

BULLSHIT

I had some down times with you guys but did I go around talking about it?

How did you guys act
People can see it,and I don't even need to tell them about it

Use your brains
If I wanna talk about you guys

I have plenty to tell
But did I?

I DIDN'T

I believe in my own choice
And I won't try to change yours or others'

Listen carefully

I made some mistakes
But it doesn't mean that you guys had no fault at all

Whatever you did were right and I was wrong?

Come on
If you were not sorry to me,nobody will comment about you

When I did something wrong,you guys talk talk talk
Ya I was wrong,I tried to learn from my mistakes

But when you did things I hate
Did you do anything about it?

Crap about it everywhere visible?

Please,imagine if I do the same thing to you
It will never be a good experience

Who are you to comment about it?

*
Again,I have to stretch

Please don't add any imaginary stories to this

I need MY BLOG to vent my feelings

I'm okay :)