Wednesday, 26 October 2016

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday

Once my prince

Then first kiss

My pretty,happy dream

Happy Birthday

Took my heart

Left me shattered

Build me up

Brought me down

Happy birthday

My gentle guide

The English noob

Crazy game guy

Happy Birthday

The defining colour

My real strength

My first love

Happy Belated Birthday

My dear past =]

Thursday, 17 December 2015

Numb

When all hell break lose
All I can feel was
Nothing at all
Maybe I am heartless
or because
I was a dead soul

Long long ago.

*

Tragedy strikes,everywhere,anytime
Sometimes small,sometimes big
I wished for it to never be too horrible
because it could be unbearable

Nothing moves me
Nothing shakes me
for a good 16 years

Then you came in to my little world
Taught me how to love
Took me out for food
Tell me all the words
I want to hear
As long as you are here

Loved me like
I was the only one left on earth

Loved me like
You were having the last day of your life

Full of wonder,full of joy

Then it disappeared
You were gone one day

How do I react
I will never understand
What to do
When your whole world is gone?

I felt lost
like a fish having its ocean drained
like a piano losing all the black keys
like the day without the night

...like an empty shell without a soul but hollow echo of the memories you left

There are worst tragedies
Reasons to live better
People who worth all the wait

but this tragedy was silent
There was no reasons
and no more others
who could ever tell me what is love
the way you did,for the first time

What can be worst than having your heart broken
by the same person who taught you
That you have a heart?

*

I guess we were not the only ones left on earth

Tuesday, 23 June 2015

Certainly.

Have you heard of giving?

They told me giving is great
Giving is good

It will never hurt you.

Oh, but how wrong they were.

It hurts, like a cut to a fresh wound.

I don't have money
I don't have fame

I gave attention
and my limited time

It's all I have.

I've talked to you
I've laughed with you
I've spent time being idiots with you.

Sometimes you're busy
Sometimes you're sad
Then sometimes you're just, not you

We all have those days
So I've never really took offense

Then you just disappeared.

I tried again
"There must be something wrong"
I thought,
"You will never treat me like this"
I reassured myself.

Oh but I was wrong.

I've always thought of all your feelings
with every step I take

Will you be hurt?
Are you not ready?
Will you consider?
Do you like this?
Will you like this song?

Are you okay?

I noticed every time
When you wished to escape the crowd
When you didn't like the plan
When you couldn't say no

When you are sad.
Even thou you have never really showed it.

It seems that I am not worth those thoughts.

I am not tired of giving
but how much you see that I am giving

I didn't stop, I am not afraid
It felt as if I've had a paper cut

Something so harmless and pure
yet it can leave me bleeding in pain.

Oh I can never stop

because at the end of the day
If you ever ask me for some time
I know my answer will be

"Certainly"


Thursday, 5 February 2015

Short.

Short thoughts

*

If you ever thought of
Locking me in a room
of darkness and loneliness
Give me my playlist
Swallow the key
I don't need it

Not anymore.

*

Flowers are so pretty
What am I
As a little weed
or some unnamed flower
Without colours that are so shiny
I have nothing to give
There's no butterflies for me

Not even a bee.

*

If my thoughts
could talk to me
Maybe they will not speak
I am too quiet
to entertain you
I am too serious to be silly
I don't need the comfort

Never did.

*

The bunny hops
The bunnies hop
All around me
How adorable they are
Yet I am still afraid of them
Because I am a carrot
Wishing I could trust them
But I can't stop wondering

When will they eat me?

*

Guessing is never my game
I'd rather stay in a bar
Enjoy some jazz music
Maybe laugh at some jokes
Dance with a gentleman
It will end somehow
Then I would be back home
Look at your words and smile
I didn't escape

I didn't want to.

*

Too random, sleepless and hyper.
Perhaps emotional, you don't need to read all these.
I am just throwing my thoughts out of my mind
So I can feel free, somehow.

Saturday, 13 December 2014

Frightened.

Have you ever wake up and ask yourself,
"Your life could be gone in a second"?

This is just my place to let out
Please, I don't need anyone to listen, I just need to type

*

My friends always asked me
"Why are you posting all these unhappy statuses or tweets online?"
"You were happy when you are with us or outside"

It's simple
I am somewhat clinically depressed
I don't want to explain what it is, uncle Google is always here
Go find out yourself

Now, I have noticed myself having problems with positive thoughts since young
I often write positive quotes on everywhere: textbooks, tables, notes, cupboard, phone etc.
People think that maybe I am just someone who is super positive that I need to write all these down

No. I am reminding myself to be positive.

But let's talk about what my title meant before we dive into my personal problems

I've lost a few important people throughout my life
These incidents are very stressful at first, but after a while, there's nothing I can feel anymore.

It is because I try to not get too close to anybody,which is a sad thing to do
but it keeps me from having stressful breakdowns.

So, why now that I am talking about this since I have a way to deal with it?

Easy, I have close friends now
I have people who love me as a family member and treat me as one as well.
People who still insist on getting into my world when I am completely shut down.

Today, I received news that one of these wonderful humans is in the hospital
It frightens me so much.
Before this, one of my favorite relatives was also admitted to a hospital.

There's nothing you can do when they are laying on the hospital beds
You can visit, wish or buy gifts all you want, but there's really nothing helpful you can do for them
There's no way to take away their pain
And you see them moving slowly, each move making them shrieked painfully
I wished that was me, suffering all the pain
Perhaps to repay all the kindness and love I got from them
Perhaps I want to feel real pain, instead of being tortured by my mind

I don't want to lose any of them
I don't want to breakdown again
I don't want to wake up and find out that the person who loves you so much is now gone.
I am left all alone, over and over again.
I am frightened by the thought of being in a world without any of you
I want you to be by my side, forever.

How selfish of me

*

Again, I am just typing what I feel at the moment

All these may sound stupid and silly to you
but it is how I feel.
Before you tell me to move on, be happy or go outside,
let me tell you that clinical depression doesn't work that way.
It was not because of a breakup, an argument or social problems
It is just here with me, in my thoughts, in my mind,sitting with me while I type this.
I do feel that my pain is lifted whenever I'm around my favorite friends
but it is not always enough.
I am not hurting myself for the sake of others,but you have no idea how much I wanted to.

You probably felt this way once in a while
But everyday, I wake up to the thoughts of 'maybe I shouldn't wake up forever'

Do be kind to everyone you meet, because everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.