Frightened.

Have you ever wake up and ask yourself,
"Your life could be gone in a second"?

This is just my place to let out
Please, I don't need anyone to listen, I just need to type

*

My friends always asked me
"Why are you posting all these unhappy statuses or tweets online?"
"You were happy when you are with us or outside"

It's simple
I am somewhat clinically depressed
I don't want to explain what it is, uncle Google is always here
Go find out yourself

Now, I have noticed myself having problems with positive thoughts since young
I often write positive quotes on everywhere: textbooks, tables, notes, cupboard, phone etc.
People think that maybe I am just someone who is super positive that I need to write all these down

No. I am reminding myself to be positive.

But let's talk about what my title meant before we dive into my personal problems

I've lost a few important people throughout my life
These incidents are very stressful at first, but after a while, there's nothing I can feel anymore.

It is because I try to not get too close to anybody,which is a sad thing to do
but it keeps me from having stressful breakdowns.

So, why now that I am talking about this since I have a way to deal with it?

Easy, I have close friends now
I have people who love me as a family member and treat me as one as well.
People who still insist on getting into my world when I am completely shut down.

Today, I received news that one of these wonderful humans is in the hospital
It frightens me so much.
Before this, one of my favorite relatives was also admitted to a hospital.

There's nothing you can do when they are laying on the hospital beds
You can visit, wish or buy gifts all you want, but there's really nothing helpful you can do for them
There's no way to take away their pain
And you see them moving slowly, each move making them shrieked painfully
I wished that was me, suffering all the pain
Perhaps to repay all the kindness and love I got from them
Perhaps I want to feel real pain, instead of being tortured by my mind

I don't want to lose any of them
I don't want to breakdown again
I don't want to wake up and find out that the person who loves you so much is now gone.
I am left all alone, over and over again.
I am frightened by the thought of being in a world without any of you
I want you to be by my side, forever.

How selfish of me

*

Again, I am just typing what I feel at the moment

All these may sound stupid and silly to you
but it is how I feel.
Before you tell me to move on, be happy or go outside,
let me tell you that clinical depression doesn't work that way.
It was not because of a breakup, an argument or social problems
It is just here with me, in my thoughts, in my mind,sitting with me while I type this.
I do feel that my pain is lifted whenever I'm around my favorite friends
but it is not always enough.
I am not hurting myself for the sake of others,but you have no idea how much I wanted to.

You probably felt this way once in a while
But everyday, I wake up to the thoughts of 'maybe I shouldn't wake up forever'

Do be kind to everyone you meet, because everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.